Feeling a little lonely on Valentines Day? Well, you need to turn that frown upside down. Were not saying that we can solve all of your problems, but ok thats a lie, because were going to give your love life a 180. All you need is a teensy bit of confidence and a spoonful of helpful advice. While our own branch of Dear Kratos is pretty packed in this time of year, we decided to go straight to the source and ask our contacts within the games industry for their advice.
So without further ado, heres everything you need to know about love and lust from the wide range of the virtual spectrum. No need to thank us, just remember who gave you these moves when the time is right to turn those lights down low. Click on and be saved.
Rad Spencers Arm (Bionic Commando): Love is all you need
Trust me; when the world is closing in around you and its time to escape from a secret prison by swinging from building to building, I can tell you with a straight face that love conquers all. It really, really did in my case, anyway. Plus, you know, mechanized appendage.
Link (Zelda): Be a strong listener
One thing I know about women is that when they say, "Hey, listen!" you should probably just stop and hear her out.
Princess Peach (SMB): Play hard to get
Sure, you might cross that fine line between playful and irritating, but occasionally making them jump through a few hoops--or, in this case, 8 castles--makes the prize that much sweeter. Just find better looking friends to help out than little people with mushroom hats.
Chell (Portal): Smart is sexy
Take it from me: The physics of getting from point A to B can make anyone melt. Absence can make the heart grow fonder, but understanding the dynamics of finally getting there will make any of those neuroscience grad students you dated in college way jealous. Don't trust robots.
Irene (Ninja Gaiden): Just take the initiative already
There isn't much like the feel of cool, smooth leather, how it envelops your body, conforms to your curves. It's warm when you're warm and cold when you're cold. It's unapologetic, it hurts me a little. Boys, are you listening?
Commander Shepard (Mass Effect): Put the time in
Any good military commander knows that he, or she, has to make it a priority to get to know his, or her, comrades, and this is for battle as well as the boudoir. There are times that demand the direct approach, and then there are moments that demand you take time to make time. My cosmic love oven, and perhaps yours, is set to simmer.
Master Chief (Halo): Nothing like a little mystery
Mysterious. Secretive. Illicit. Words that describe only the most intense and passionate love affairs. A stoic, faceless military man is what The Ladies see on the outside, and its a mystique thats scored me my share of home runs. Nobody wants a lights-out booty session, but when it comes to enigmatic, sometimes you have to just leave that helmet on.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider): Shake what your mama gave you
Some of us are firemen, others are country starlets. These people, by association, are dreamy. But there are those that dont need professions to be considered hot, because these are the rare few that are just born to look fine. Im not always proud of it, but attracting the right kind of attention can be as easy as showing a little more of exactly what I'm given. Which is to say, I have a massive rack, and you should get one too.
Little Mac (Punch-Out): Tune into her clues
Everyone knows short guys have a harder time of it. That said, if you take the time to study your gal, know exactly how she moves, the faces she makes, your size you can forget about. It'll be a knock out every time.
Balthier (FFXII): but not as much as Han Solo
Bad boys have that certain je ne sais quoi that nice boys simply can not muster. Sure, it helps to be pretty. But it helps more to take what you want, no questions asked, and know that she'll follow, right in line, just as you'd like her.
Travis Touchdown (No More Heroes): Yes, there such a thing as too much
Things people are not into: conversations while on the toilet, publicly recharging your light saber, meaningless part-time jobs, and general, infuriating over-zealousness. Got a thing for assassins and anime porn that you cant wait to discuss when you go out tonight? Gotta feeling it might be a lonely walk home, Romeo.
The Warrior (Demons Souls): Perseverance is key
Ill take a step back here and cautiously make you aware that this wont always work, but there are just some folks that need to be asked to the Nexus in multiple ways, under various conditions. Yes, sometimes you'll lose your soul. But what i'm saying is, if at first you dont succeed, take a quick peek at the world tendency and try again.
Licker Zombie (Resident Evil): Tongue
I mean, come on.
Chun Li (Street Fighter): Hit the gym
Sure, this is just as much advice for life as it is for love, but The Ladies look awful kindly on a man that takes care of himself. Fellas, your dream date probably also puts in the time on that treadmill, too. Am I saying you need quads like The Strongest Woman in the World? Nope, but it cant hurt to try.
Arthur (Ghost N Goblins): Be happy in your own skin
Of course, loving and accepting who you are no matter what will always trump 300 lbs. bench presses. If you have the courage to run through a cemetery in nothing but your boxers, well then I tell ya, that's the kind of confidence a woman really respond to.
Manny Calavera (Grim Fandango): The first rule of being cool is being cool
It is ephemeral, this notion or feeling humankind has dubbed the term cool. It can be a white tuxedo jacket, a single-malt scotch, opening a door, or a well-time quip. It can be knowing everyone in the party, or just the right time to whisper, Lets get out of here. It is intangible, transient, fleeting. But always, it is the one rule that must never be broken.
Lady/Trish (Devil May Cry): Dont be a creep, you creep
Cool can so be overdone. You dont want to be That Guy; the dude who pours beer on their own head, or talks about nothing but sports and chicks, or shows off how high he can kick, or takes off his shirt for no reason whatsoever. Im sorry, but if your favorite movies have fast and furious in the title, it may already be too late.
Isabella (Dragon Age 2): Get checked. Often.
If there is one thing to learn from being a seafaring, demon-slaying, political malice-encouraging, scandalously promiscuous thief, it's that you never really know what youre going to pick up along your travels. Feeling a little itchy? It might be time to mosey on over to Anders clinic. Better safe than sorry, sailor.
Sylvia (Kung Fu Master): Be good with your hands
Ive always wanted a man that proved their Kung Fu was strong with a five-finger death punch. Chocolates and poetry are fine, but you better able to wax off when its time to get into your horse stance.
Geralt of Rivia (Witcher): Theres nothing like a bad boy
You know what? This sounds like total baloney, but its honest to Rivia true. The Ladies dig on dudes like me that will straight up punch an elf in the mouth if they dont like how the conversation is going. Sure, it sounds a little dick-ish, but hey, theres something to it. Just be sure said elf wont start punching back, because at that point you'll probably have to kill him and that typically casts a chill over the rest of the evening.
The Ladies of Alpha Protocol: Keep an open mind
If the analyst of a clandestine government agency, a sassy red-headed reporter, and a battle-hardened merc have one thing in common, its that they are all down for a little bit of lovin. Should this situation arise for you (it happens to us constantly, typically on Tuesdays), you would be wise to hop on that booty train.
Wander (Shadow of the Colossus): Dont fall too hard
I know, I know, I KNOW. You totally needed to bake her cookies after you bought her the dozen roses just after you gave her the engagement ring that was necessary after you guys met last week. You dont think that this might blow up in your face at some point? Maybe? Like, soon?
Max Payne: Buy a lady a drink
Do I support your alcoholism? Yes, if it means getting that conversation started. I am absolutely certain that I wouldnt order one for myself, but theres a reason that appletinis exist. Conjure up your inner Payne and stay away from the dark liquor and everything will be cream cheese. Side note: dont shoot anybody in the bar, either.
Jill Valentine (Resident Evil): Get a makeover
Things not working on the dating scene? Then maybe a physical change might be in order, and nobody does this as well as we do in S.T.A.R.S. Bio-terrorism outbreak? Try on this beret. Quick brain-washing before dinner? Blondes have more fun. Off to the open waters for a walking dead vacation? I found the ponytail worked best on that love boat.
UmJammer Lammy: Set the right mood
Turn the lights down low and get those candles lit. Close the curtains. Take the phone off the hook. And for the love of whatever god you believe in, turn on those slow jams. This isnt advice, its science.
Chie Satonaka (Persona 4): Dont forget the girl next door
Yes, Hollywood has screwed us all into believing that the girls that actually live next door are nuclear hot. And while this cant possibly be true for everyone, its still a message thats worth taking to heart. The ones that love us the most are the tomboys, the Godzilla fans, the ones that watch Jason Statham movies without a hint of irony. Never, ever leave them hanging.
Ms. Pac-Man: Or the cougars
I'm just going to come right out and say it, I've been at it for nearly 30 years, and there are things that I've done that you havent even read about. You think that your power pellets have boldly gone where no Blinkys gone before? Kid, you should be so lucky.
Mei Ling (Metal Gear Solid): Be cling-y
You know whats annoying? When he complains that Im constantly calling or whatever. When I asked him about it (AGAIN) he just said let me blow up this damn walking tank already theres a lot going on right now Im in a fire fight sure we can get coffee next week I guess can we do this later I NEED SOME SPACE, MEI LING. Ugh. I dont think he understood the question. Ill ask him later.
Uriel (Darksiders): Find her soft spot
Whether its the core of that spaceship or a little Teddy Pendergrass, everyones got that sweet, sweet weak point. The real challenge is finding it. Yes, I know that I can keep my guard up for a little too long, making it tough for you to reach, but thats all just part of the magic.
Samus Aran (Metroid): Who needs love?
Lets face it, love is great and all, but sometimes you just need to learn to be your own interstellar bounty hunter. Making your own decisions and being your own person can open up so many other doors, especially if you have missiles to do it.
The love doctors that work here are tired of writing your prescriptions, so its your turn. Got some pointers on how to fill those heart containers? Light up those comments and let us know. And dont even mention how you like to cook her dinner and watch Before Sunrise. That ones ours.
And if you're looking for more from the Week of Love, check out Games for couples (a guide to ruining your relationship) or Games for lonely people (a guide to accepting loneliness).