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20 stupid pics of Sonic riding shit

You might’ve seen gray haired gamers crying in corners over the weekend. Sad news, old schoolers: Sonic 4, the hedgehog’s 11th return to form, has been delayed until late 2010. We’ve been told that it’s due to issues of quality assurance, and by that we really hope that means addressing this dumbass mine cart level we reported on a while back.


Original Video- More videos at TinyPic

Personally, I hate when Sonic’s lazily plopped into a ridiculous vehicle for no other reason than Sega couldn’t think of anything else to do with him. First off, there’s almost nothing you can put Sonic on that isn’t slower than his own two feet. And yes, that matters! What Mario is to jumping, Sonic is to running. He’s synonymous with red shoes and legs like blurry cyclones, simple as that. Second, the only “benefit” to making Sonic ride anything, is to provide a useless stable of candy-colored imbeciles the chance to keep up. And lastly, it looks f***ing stupid. But I’ll let Sega explain:


Above: Stupid for sure, but why does Tails’ face look eerily similar to people you see on security camera footage leaving the scene of a sexual battery?


Above: Sonic flips the British bird to onlookers chanting at him to get back to his roots


Above: We have no idea WTF that contraption being ridden is called, but it’s clearly powered on the dying breaths of one’s dignity


Above: Determined to make Sonic slower, Sega has him pedaling a bike through the vacuum of space for a “WAY COOL” E.T. moment in front of an Eggman Death Star


Above: Too cool for Hebrew School!


Above: Makes Sonic and Tails look like a gay couple arguing over directions


Above: SONIC ART RULE #1: Tails must never look more dignified than Sonic!

 


Above: What’s Sonic riding here? Why, the Information Super Highway of course, by way of a preteen girl’s phone. (The lightning bolts mean cancer)


Above: There’s a fine line between “ATTITUDE!” and a bad attitude, Mister! Why so glum, Cap’n Cool? There are starving children in Africa who would kill to ride in a helicopter!


Above: While Sonic and The Boyz dofight in space, Santa delivers Mario items to the good little boys and girls on Earth

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46 comments

  • SolarPoweredShitMachine - May 24, 2011 6:29 p.m.

    The origin comic with Sonic on a treadmill is from the UK Fleetway comic, not the Archie comic.
  • foxyexplosion - September 28, 2010 9:35 p.m.

    ran across this looking at other sonic stuff. Awesome title and such!
  • R_U_Guys_From_British - May 28, 2010 2:31 p.m.

    Truly funny. I love Chris' sense of humour in the articles.
  • zigs - May 26, 2010 5:45 p.m.

    "Sonic flips the British bird to onlookers chanting at him to get back to his roots." No, he doesn't. Nope. Wrong way round, Sonic is throwing the peace sign in that photo.
  • OneEyedGoon - May 26, 2010 1:09 a.m.

    AHAHAHAHA Chris Cross Antista, you slay me.
  • kachigop - May 25, 2010 9:35 p.m.

    Oh god, not a mine cart level! And we thought Sonic had hit rock bottom... reCaptcha: Sunday vortex
  • KnightDehumidifier - May 25, 2010 6:27 p.m.

    Some asshole gave me "offical" pictures of Sonic riding Princess Elise. Needless to say, I had to buy a new monitor.
  • DaBadGuy - May 25, 2010 5:18 p.m.

    Why does the fastest thing ali-yee-yive need a mine cart anyway?
  • itkonlyyou80 - May 25, 2010 3:32 p.m.

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  • flabslapper - May 25, 2010 2:39 p.m.

    I lol'd at 'the S.S. Who gives a Shit', if I ever own a boat, I'm gonna name it that
  • AuthorityFigure - May 25, 2010 12:04 p.m.

    Just goes to show how adaptable a solid, well-rounded, thought-out, flexible character he was and always will be...
  • morbiusdog - May 25, 2010 11:36 a.m.

    2nd picture quote "Sonic flips the British bird to onlookers chanting at him to get back to his roots". WTF is "the British bird"? Sonic is holding up two fingers in a "V for Victory" salute. If he turned it round it would be a "British" two finger salute meaning F**k off but "the bird" is a one finger salute that is used all over the world as far as i am aware. And in case you are wondering, yes i am "British" (although strictly speaking i am a pedantic Englishman).
  • jimmdogg - May 25, 2010 10:48 a.m.

    Freaking awesome.
  • philipshaw - May 25, 2010 10:26 a.m.

    You are right Chris and great article. If the delay means a better game and getting rid of that awful cart level, then I’m all for it
  • Keilimanjaro - May 25, 2010 10:15 a.m.

    There is a 70% what? WHAT ARE YOU NOT TELLING ME?!
  • shinigamiDude - May 25, 2010 9:40 a.m.

    They should make Sonic's shitty rides racing instead of Sonic & Sega all star racing.
  • elpurplemonkey - May 25, 2010 8:06 a.m.

    "The lightning bolts mean cancer" Good stuff.
  • camelfro - May 25, 2010 7:52 a.m.

    this is hilarious!! i love the mobile cancer joke!
  • LBD_Nytetrayn - May 25, 2010 3:32 a.m.

    Nice article, except for where it's wrong; Archie didn't make that origin comic. Also, the Sonic X cover is a story where Eggman and Sonic had switched bodies.

Showing 1-20 of 46 comments

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