You might’ve seen gray haired gamers crying in corners over the weekend. Sad news, old schoolers: Sonic 4, the hedgehog’s 11th return to form, has been delayed until late 2010. We’ve been told that it’s due to issues of quality assurance, and by that we really hope that means addressing this dumbass mine cart level we reported on a while back.
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Personally, I hate when Sonic’s lazily plopped into a ridiculous vehicle for no other reason than Sega couldn’t think of anything else to do with him. First off, there’s almost nothing you can put Sonic on that isn’t slower than his own two feet. And yes, that matters! What Mario is to jumping, Sonic is to running. He’s synonymous with red shoes and legs like blurry cyclones, simple as that. Second, the only “benefit” to making Sonic ride anything, is to provide a useless stable of candy-colored imbeciles the chance to keep up. And lastly, it looks f***ing stupid. But I’ll let Sega explain:
Above: Stupid for sure, but why does Tails’ face look eerily similar to people you see on security camera footage leaving the scene of a sexual battery?
Above: Sonic flips the British bird to onlookers chanting at him to get back to his roots
Above: We have no idea WTF that contraption being ridden is called, but it’s clearly powered on the dying breaths of one’s dignity
Above: Determined to make Sonic slower, Sega has him pedaling a bike through the vacuum of space for a “WAY COOL” E.T. moment in front of an Eggman Death Star
Above: Too cool for Hebrew School!
Above: Makes Sonic and Tails look like a gay couple arguing over directions
Above: SONIC ART RULE #1: Tails must never look more dignified than Sonic!
Above: What’s Sonic riding here? Why, the Information Super Highway of course, by way of a preteen girl’s phone. (The lightning bolts mean cancer)
Above: There’s a fine line between “ATTITUDE!” and a bad attitude, Mister! Why so glum, Cap’n Cool? There are starving children in Africa who would kill to ride in a helicopter!
Above: While Sonic and The Boyz dofight in space, Santa delivers Mario items to the good little boys and girls on Earth