101 things we've learned from videogames

The wisdom of our favorite pastime, applied to real life

62. On the whole, you can withstand a lot more bullets/punches/magic compared to the other guy.

63. Always shut the door behind you, especially if it looks like it might snow later on.


64. You don’t need scintillating conversation get on in life. Two-word commands will do fine.

65. Many, if not all, problems can be solved with a Holy Hand Grenade.

66. Being on the goodies’ side doesn’t automatically make you winners of The War.

67. You can up your bank balance $1,000 at a time by chanting ‘FUND’.

68. Kick enough puppies and you’ll eventually gain the strength, wisdom and dexterity to take on ninjas.

69. Food can heal most serious injuries instantly.

70. Even cyborgs/ninjas/special agents able to smash whole cities with their fists and defeat the mightiest opponent in close combat are stumped when confronted with a locked door or box, and have to go find the key.

71. Music spontaneously plays whenever you do anything exciting.

72. Modern military training teaches that the best way to defeat an enemy is to stand stock still in plain view of the enemy and fire wildly. Making sinister noises to reveal your location is good, too.

73. If you notice a discolored section on a brick wall, try running up really close and pressing on it, for it may give way and lead you to a secret cache of weapons and armor.

74. Bullet holes will gradually disappear, foiling your attempts to draw a c--k and balls on the ground with a machine gun.

75. When you’ve run out of food and stuff, just leave the house and then go back in again.

76. When you kill people, sometimes they turn into food or money. Or some bullets.

77. You can travel anywhere instantly, as long as you’ve been there before.


78. When crawling along air-conditioning ducts, if you go forward and back a few times you may or may not see a pair of tits.

79. First aid kits can be applied to your injuries in under a second, and will instantly fix your injuries and make you healthier.

80. Flashlights only last for one minute, but thankfully recharge themselves over time.

81. If you’re in a castle looking for a lost loved one, they’re in another one.

82. If you’re good enough at trading/bartering – every single shop in the world will reduce their prices specially for you.

Topics

We recommend