Evil otome game that tracks my period adds rail shooter where you murder Pokemon-style pets for love, and everyone's a lot more shirtless than you'd think

I'm not going to insult you by saying I only play Infinity Nikki developer Infold's otome game Love and Deepspace "as a joke" – I want to respect your intuition. I play Love and Deepspace because it's crazy, I'm crazy, and now my deranged Singaporean boyfriend – who's only considered my stepbrother in East Asian servers – and I are going to be playing an awful rail shooter in the sci-fi gacha game's most shirtless update yet.

From August 12 to August 31, I can bathing suit-up in the new You And Midsummer event with my five love interests. According to the blurry memories I keep unlocking, they have all walked through stars, time, and mythology to be with me, remember when my last period ended, and take care of a Pokemon-like bird to honor our lust or something awesome like that.

"The event also features the limited-time minigame, Sapphire Voyage, a light-hearted beachside shooter where players can test their aim in a vibrant summer setting," Infold says in a press release. "Completing challenges will earn rewards, offering a refreshing gameplay break filled with colorful visuals and charming interactions."

I've played a bit of the "shooter," and it's only slightly more insulting than Love and Deepspace's mandatory real-time battles against monsters with names like Bryo Golem and Ignitus Wyrmlord. These guys usually go down easy after my partner and I unleash our special attack that requires he carries me and my pistol bridal-style, for some reason.

In Love and Deepspace's rail shooter, you instead wiggle around in a boat to attack yellow squids for timed challenges that earn you decor for the "mysterious egg" nest you've decided to build on vacation. There's no way any of this is ecologically sound, but that didn't stop my boyfriend of choice – the space colonel Caleb, who may or may not be my stepbrother – from pelting me with innuendos as we rushed through a turquoise lagoon.

"Hold my waist, I'm speeding up," he said twice in a row. Yeah.

I walked an hour in the rain to play horse girl gacha game Umamusume: Pretty Derby at the actual Kentucky Derby.