If you’re wondering why the studios haven’t got around to making a Guy Fawkes movie yet, don’t worry. It’s in the works, we promise.
You see, whilst routing around a bunch of LA bins for scoops, Total Film found a few first draft scripts we’re pretty sure are heading straight for a big screen near you soon. Possibly.
Quentin Tarantino presents...
INT – YE OLDE DINER - DAY
We open on GUIDO FAWKES sitting in a medieval diner. He’s surrounded by the other Ignomeineous Terrorests: LIMEY KILLER ROBERT WINTER; THE WRIGHT BROTHERS: JOHN WRIGHT AND CHRISTOPHER WRIGHT and THE BATES MOTEL: THOMAS BATES. Fawkes sounds like a cross between James Coburn in Dead Heat On A Merry-Go-Round and Tony Musante in The Bird With The Crystal Plumage – one charming motherfucker.
You already know who I am, my reputation proceeds me like tits on a junkyard hooker. My name is Guido Fawkes, and I’m the meanest military man you’re ever likely to meet. I’m putting together a team of horse-whippers for a little job I’ve got planned. I’ll need me eight soldiers. Eight Catholic soldiers. You see, I’m going to be dropping in on the Houses Of Parliament, dressed as a cowboy, to deliver a package to the King. And by the King, I don’t mean Elvis, because he hasn’t been born yet. I need a bushwhackin’ guerrilla army to come with me. They’ll be doing one thing, and one thing only. Killin’ Lords.
Fawkes looks every Ignomineous Terrorest in the eye.
King Jim and his Protestant pals have been laying down the law for too long, murdering and torturing Catholics whenever they damn well please. Well, we’re going to take the fight to them. We’re going to stick dynamite up the caboose of any motherfucker unlucky enough to be wearing a wig on the 5
Fawkes takes a drink of mead.
Because I don’t know about y’all, but I’m tired of seeing gals like Margaret Clitherow crushed to death for harbouring Catholics in her home. I’m tired of being oppressed. So I’ve been a-plotting. And I’ve put 1800 pounds of gunpowder in the cellar under the Houses Of Parliament. I just need a team of trouble-shooters to help me set it off. Sound good?
That’s what I like to hear.
Michael Bay’s Gunpowder
A Michael Bay Production of a Michael Bay movie. Directed by Michael Bay. Michael Bay.
EXT – HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT – DAY
A military helicopter flies over the House Of Parliament. A large-breasted blonde parachutes from it in a bikini. She distracts the guards while GUY FAWKES and his crew of ROBOTS drive a Ferrari through the back-gates of the Parliament or whatever. Somewhere in the distance, rap music plays.
HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION. THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT HAVE EXPLODED AND A GIANT AMERICAN FLAG FLOATS DOWN FROM THE SKY COVERING THE REMAINS. THIS LOOKS AMAZING.
EXT – NEW YORK – DAY
Lots of NEW YORKERS are punching the air in celebration.
Eat that, Britain!
Fawkes lights a cigar.
Now, let’s take down the Queen.
Uwe Boll presents…
Die, Parliament, Die!
EXT – CHICAGO – DAY
A bunch of midgets dressed as monkeys and monkeys dressed as policemen dance around with some naked girls and Tara Reid for 88 minutes. The end. What did you expect? Poetry? Go ahead, start a petition. See if I care.