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What If... classic films could be recut to star Jason Statham?

Jason Statham IS... Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society

Inspirational English teacher Jason Statham encourages his pupils to embrace love, life, self-expression (via the shameless exposure of his taut ex-model torso) and the transcendental fackin' power of poetry.

But when the strict father of one of Jason Statham's star pupils forbids his talented son to pursue a passion for acting, tragedy strikes as Jason Statham uppercuts him into the ceiling.

Co-starring: Keira Knightley as the desk.


Jason Statham IS... Geena Davis in Thelma & Louise

Out on a weekend road-trip with his best fackin' girlfriend, Jason Statham gets oiled-up and wild in a roadside bar, tempting a randy cowpoke with his beefy but taut ex-model torso.

When the cattle-jockey turns date-rapist, Jason Statham roundhouse-kicks his stetson, causing it to spin away and boomerang back vertically, slicing the man in half laterally, like in Terminator 2.

Co-starring: Ross Kemp as Susan Sarandon

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Jason Statham IS... WALL-E in WALL-E

As an obsolete clean-up droid with a beefy but taut ex-model torso, Jason Statham lives out a lonely and melancholy fackin' existence on a junk-strewn planet Earth.

But when a beguiling new robot lands in an imposing spaceship, it tries to zap Jason Statham with lasers, believing him to be hostile.

Seizing his chance for companionship, Jason Statham pulls off both her arms, tosses them into a landfill site, and adopts the helpless machine as a private slave.

Co-starring: Russell Brand as Eve


Jason Statham IS... Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption

Imprisoned for a crime of fackin' passion, Jason Statham takes a nice bleedin' shower, revealing his beefy but taut ex-model torso.

When the jail's Mr Big tries to anally violate him, Jason Statham entirely fails to display enduring, serene stoicism, delivering an explosive elbow-strike which shears off the nonce slag's head and skewers it to the soap-dish.

Co-starring: Barack Obama as Morgan Freeman


Jason Statham IS... Monica Bellucci in Irreversible

After scurrying away from an altercation at a notorious fackin' Parisien gay-club, Jason Statham ducks into an underpass and tears off his blood-soaked t-shirt to reveal a beefy but taut ex-model torso. When a passer-by tries to anally...

(That's enough Jason Statham - Ed).

Topics

Total Film

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