Time for poop jokes
Let's talk about toilets for a minute here. In case you need a reminder, they were designed as depositories for human waste. We've all found disgusting surprises swimming around their bowls in the real world--but we find even more goodies in video game toilets. And those "goodies" range from incredibly useful to downright bizarre.
Guns? Obviously. Cabbages? Probably. Cool unicorn hats? Definitely. Video game toilets have become the new video game crates; stare deeply into their watery basins whenever you happen upon one, and you're sure to be rewarded for your efforts. Here are some of the strangest things we've found in game toilets, starting with...
If Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, your very best friend in the whole world, walked up to you and said, "dude, The Rock just dropped a grenade in the toilet," you'd probably assume he was talking about a large chunk of fecal matter. Unless you were hanging out on Borderlands' Pandora, in which case there are literal grenades in toilets, among other munitions.
Cheese (Perfect Dark)
As the old saying goes, "Alright, who cut the cheese? AND WHO KEEPS PUTTING PERFECTLY GOOD SLICES OF EXTRA SHARP CHEDDAR IN THE DAMN TOILET?"
A living person (The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask)
After blowing all his cash on black tar heroin, Oscar the Grouch discovered that even a trash can was too expensive of a housing situation. He has since relocated to a potty in Termina's Clock Town Hotel, suffering horrible, horrible disfiguration in the process.
Explosive turds (Counter-Strike)
Dear reader: despite this turd's appearance, it is far from your average excrement. This poo is explosive. As in it explodes when shot with a firearm. Do not try this at home, as toilets are actually quite expensive, even when on sale with free shipping via Amazon Prime.
Hypodermic needles (Saw: The Video Game)
How's this for bathroom stall poetry?
"There I sat, broken hearted
Tried to poop and only farted.
Later that day I took a chance,
Tried to fart and dozens of hypodermic needles erupted from my butthole."
Sentient life (Banjo-Kazooie)
Despite his many protests, Loggo was unable to convince his pals Banjo and Kazooie that he was, in fact, a living toilet, and thusly ill-fit for bathroom use. This earned him a starring role in the upcoming horror flick The Human Toilet, directed by Dutch filmmaker Tom Six.
A wallet (Silent Hill 2)
"Thank you for finally coming to see me. It's been so long--I've been waiting here, wrapped in my cocoon of pain and loneliness. I know I've done something terrible to you, something you can never forgive me for. But please, come see me, I'm waiting
P.S. I found your wallet, which I've conveniently placed in a toilet full of human waste."
Potato (BioShock Infinite)
Well, better than pineapples, I guess.
Gold bar (Sniper Elite V2)
No, you're not looking at a toilet bowl-sized turd. This dookie surprise is pure gold, my friend. Literally. That's a bar made out of solid gold. Fact: This is what happens when you combine Goldschlager and fifty pounds of glitter in the human digestive system.
A robot (Fallout 3)
A question that keeps me up at night: when robots go to the bathroom, do they participate in the act of uploading or downloading?
A human head (Afterfall Insanity)
Aaaaand now we know where the bathroom phrase "hit the head" comes from. Heyoooooo!
Screwdriver (Resident Evil: Revelations)
Barry: "Hey Jill, where did you, the master of unlocking, put the screwdriver?"
Jill: "Oh, I duct taped it to the toilet, just in case."
Barry: "I hope it's not CHRIS' screwdriver."
What other random things have you found in video game toilets during your many virtual adventures? Were they useful? Funny jokes? Just kind of nasty? Let us know in the comments below.
And if you're looking for more, check out 10 technologies that vanished in sequels to your favorite games and video game phrases just as annoying as Skyrim's "arrow in the knee".