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Thunderbrawl

ROUND 1

ODDJOB VS DARIO
Suddenly realising that he is respected actor Benicio Del Toro and shouldn’t be here in the first place, Dario’s pathetic begging is so much blab to the oriental fathead, who promptly “bowler hats” him a new arsehole.

RENARD VS DR KAUFMAN
Armed with his torture knick-knacks, Kaufman sets to work on the Bosnian terror-dwarf – a tactic wasted on Renard, who replies with an uncompromising Glasgow kiss.

XENIA ONATOPP VS MAY DAY
The Paddington hard staring might have had Russell Harty cacking it, but M-Day’s tactics fall flat with Xenia, who rams her head between her thighs and squeezes till her face falls off.

MR KIDD & MR WINT VS MISCHKA & GRISHKA
With Mr Kidd using his sideburns to deflect their flying blades, twin circus knife-throwers Mischka and Grishka find their attacks neutralised. Cue swift kicking in a flared-trouser stylee.

JAWS VS ROSA KLEBB
Or tooth vs shoe. With a click of the heels, hag-face Klebb springs out the switchblade slingbacks and jabs at Mr Jaws’ ankles. Unamused, the lumbering man-giant simply picks her up and chews on her head like a big rubber dog toy.

TEE HEE VS NECROS
After much irresponsible and unsupervised lobbing of exploding milk bottles, Necros closes in with his deadly garrotting Walkman headphones. Steel armed dude Tee Hee clicks a mini-whisk onto his metal limb. Necros whirred into bloody oblivion.

BLOFELD’S CAT VS NICK NACK
As the sinister, yes-bossing, Fantasy Island short-arse approaches the snowy feline, he’s floored by a cat allergy and sneezes himself inside out. Oblivious, Mr Cat goes back to licking its little puckered arse.

THUMPER & BAMBI VS BORIS GRISHENKO
Lured into the ring on the promise of a Linux 3.98 processor, nerdy Grishenko is immediately crippled by the feisty acrobatic duo. And then repeatedly stamped on. Just to make sure. It is Alan Cumming, after all...

 

QUARTER FINALS

RENARD VS ODDJOB
Immediately using his Dangerous Hat, Mr Oddjob hacks off Renard’s hands, elbows and shoulders in a succession of grisly direct hits. Limbless but undeterred, Renard plucks the hat from his collarbone with his teeth, drops it onto his foot and kicks the bowler into Oddjob’s big fat forehead.

XENIA ONATOPP VS JAWS
With Jaws picking the last chunks of Klebb’s head out of his gob, Onatopp lunges. Unfortunately, a height miscalculation has Onatopp shagging his knees. Jaws’ attempt at a caress sees Onatopp mashed into ghoulash. Oopsy.

THUMPER & BAMBI VS MR KIDD & MR WINT
Thumper and Bambi’s come-ons fall on deaf ears. With Kidd’s sideburns twiddled to a sharp point, Wint picks up his colleague and impales the wenches on the hirsute jousting stick.

TEE HEE VS BLOFELD’S CAT
Attaching a food bowl to his arm, Tee Hee lures Mr Cat with a freshly opened can of Whiskas. After a few licks, it transpires that it’s not Mr Cat’s usual brand, who responds with a feline shit-fit, claws Tee Hee to shreds, then uses his metal arm as a scratching post.

 

SEMI FINAL

MR KID & MR WINT VS BLOFELD’S CAT

Calculating that there is enough room to swing said cat, the duo chase the harassed animal around the ring. Half an hour later, they’re exhausted. More out of necessity than menace, Mr Cat makes a deadly cat smell from its deadly cat bum. The resulting fumes dilute K&W to a hunk of steaming sideburns.

RENARD VS JAWS
Ol’ numb-nerves is still up for a tumble, despite having both arms lopped off. Jaws rips off Renard’s head, only to crack his own back open slipping in Renard’s fluids.

 

FINAL

RENARD VS BLOFELD’S CAT

Reduced to a disembodied head but clearly still spoiling for a scrap, Renard resorts to spitting the last few loose teeth jangling about his skull. Cat remains unimpressed. Running out of ideas, Renard’s head resorts to barking like a dog. Sick of the noise, Mr Cat saunters over, sits on top of Renard’s face and suffocates him, licking at its little puckered cat arse. Renard dead. Cat victorious. Glad we got that one sorted...

Topics

Total Film

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