The worst games that made it to number one

A look at the suckage that has stained the top spot


Hit number one: 8 December 2007
Platform: Wii
Game Rankings average: 67.4%

Certainly not a terrible game. But worthy of number one acclaim? Definitely no. Still, as the first game to feature the plumber and hedgehog together - and cashing in on Olympic fever - it's little surprise that it hit the numero uno big time. For two weeks.


Hit number one: 30 June 2007
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 64.9%

Released in the same week as The Darkness, Rainbow Six: Vegas and Resident Evil 4 on the Wii. It outsold them all and stubbornly parked its ass at number one for four weeks. Sometimes there just isn't enough sick in the world.


Hit number one: 14 April 2007
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 64.2%

The only thing rattling about inside this particular half-shell is a crusty, pale turd of a game. Designed by grown-ups who obviously think teh kidz are stupid, it was stuffed excrementally with all the challenge of a pencil sharpener.


Hit number one: 7 May 2005
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 64.1%

Proof that Star Wars fans on both sides of The Pond will suck up any old suckage that Lucas shovels in the general direction of their suck holes. Not the game we were looking for, but it still burgled the top spot for four weeks. Noooooooooooo...


Hit number one: 4 March 2006
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 62.7%

The UK is officially mad for football. Even when it is no longer football but a big saggy onion bag full of stick-flickery, button-hammery, corporate urban cool combo messery. It held on to number one for three weeks despite challenges from Fight Night Round 3 and Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. Go figure.


Hit number one: 1 December 2007
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 60.6%

Even a brilliant advert in UK daily rag The Sun featuring two topless hotties and a Ferrari couldn't stop this being the most not good Need For Speed ever. The PS2 version scored the worst in reviews. But sold the best in shops.


Hit number one: 26 March 2005
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 60.5%

Like FIFA Street 2. Only worse. And with added MC Harvey. So, much worse.


Hit number one: 4 August 2007
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 57.4%

Like a pair of shagging Autobots stuck mid-transform, this sorry excuse for a game was an absolute mess of indiscernible bits. And it had the bloody cheek to displace Pokemon Diamond from number one. Thankfully, balance was restored to the universe when BioShock kicked its stupid metal face off the top spot three weeks later.


Hit number one: 5 May 2007
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 53.8%

Yet another movie tie-in scooped straight out the crapper and dumped at number one. Evidence that would suggest that there's a contingency amongst theUK's game buying masses are a clueless bunch of egg sacs suffering from a severe case of imagination deficiency. We weep.


Hit number one: 2 June 2007
Platform: PS2
Game Rankings average: 51.5%

It's official. 2007 was the year when every under-cooked and over-crapped movie game had a go at fingering the chart's most holy of slots.

Jan 28, 2009


Redeeming rays of light in sloppy software




All of last year's most brilliant crappery

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.
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