Pokemon is easily Nintendo’s most important property. Outside of the million-selling games, there’s still all the money in trading cards, plush figures, action figures, the decade-long cartoon series, the fast food tie-ins… you get the idea. In every instance, Pokemon is portrayed as a harmless, child-friendly endeavor that promotes fair play and loyalty to your friends. But deep inside the main games lie hints that some of these pocket monsters are far more sinister and malevolent than Nintendo lets on.
These are official descriptions from Nintendo, all found inside the flagship Pokemon games. All art comes from Poke-virgin Tyler Wilde, a blank slate who could read these blurbs and draw whatever horrors came to mind.
Official description: “It always wears the skull of its dead mother, so no one has any idea what its hidden face looks like.”
Norman Bates would be proud of this perpetually guilt-ridden beast who dresses up like his own mother. Only instead of wearing mom’s clothes, Cubone apparently delights in collecting his parent’s bones.
Official description: “It remembers every dream it eats. It rarely eats the dreams of adults because children’s are much tastier.”
Drowzee is already pretty freakish, what with his articulated snout and two-tone hide, but the idea of him savoring a child’s dreams makes my toes shrivel into dust. Imagine that thing, eating a dream, rolling it around in his mouth, really sucking the juices out. All with this unsettling smirk on his face. Horrible.
Official description: “Its brain cells multiply continually until it dies. As a result, it remembers everything.”
While Alakazam itself may not be all that weird, its grisly brain-popping fate is startlingly macabre for a game that prides itself on being suitable for all ages. Even worse is the idea that it remembers every painful second of its brain expanding through its skull. Maybe Cubone can find a good use for it?
Official description: “Wherever Grimer has passed, so many germs are left behind that no plants will ever grow again.”
What’s great about this is that Tyler imagined an emaciated man vomiting bugs. Meanwhile, Grimer just looks and smiles, as if it’s a good thing that he’s transforming the world into a wasteland. If there are multiple Grimers in the Poke-world (and there are), wouldn’t that suggest large portions of the planet are inhospitable ground-zeroes? A cruel fate for Ash and Pikachu, for sure.
Next page: Four more nightmarish visions of not-so-cuddly pocketmen