Shrek the Third

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You'll actually have some fun playing a game called "Shrek the Third." And this is how the apocalypse begins...

Words: Omeed Rafizadeh, GamesRadar US

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Are your eyes bleeding? They should be. Soon the universe will shudder as a fat gash in the earth suddenly tears open to swallow our species, and smiling Satan rockets up from the depths to enslave us. And why? Because it was preordained for this software to be slipshod: an interactive commercial bought by parents too lazy and too negligent to give their child something without Disney’s mark on the box (the logo of the beast). Yet here, God’s law is disemboweled… well, for a few moments.

The flashes of unnatural pleasure begin when you discover you have become Jesus. Yes father, your people will need to cross a river. So place them upon a piece of wood, and blow your divine mouth-air upon them, and they will drift across the water, and yay, for it will be an enjoyable gimmick.

This is part of the first sinful 20 minutes when you like the game. It’s small innovation that lasts for mere instants, providing seconds of bliss while the DS microphone registers your panting. Soon the charm dies, along with your faith, and your fun.

The Third is a dawdling 2D stroll across both your DS screens, where you shove a crew of three minions through a mundane polygonal fairy tale. Each character has it’s own use, so you switch avatars as you slog through puzzles involving a myriad of switches and gates, brawls with various-sized knights, and occasional tactical combat with giant oafs and witches who sling green goo.