Will Smith, Hancock
“Alcohol can make you feel invincible when you’re most vulnerable,” warn the superhero anti-drink ads. For Hancock it’s the other way round.
The man of bourbon has gulped so much Wild Turkey he’s now a vulnerable superzero – an un-Fresh Prince in need of a shower, a shave and a super-strong breath mint before he goes up, up and away to rehab.
Richard E Grant, Withnail and I
Here’s a lesson in why you should never mix your drinks. You start the evening off in good spirits (“We want the finest wines available to humanity!”).
Next thing you know, you’ve confused lighter fluid with a vodka Red Bull and still want something stronger (“Liar! You’ve got anti-freeze!”). Five seconds later, you’re on the floor covered in puke. Same again?
Dudley Moore, Arthur
Hic, hic, hooray for happy drunks: Moore’s Arthur is a permanently sizzled alcofrolic playboy with $750m in the bank. What’s the lesson here, kids?
Stinking rich drunks are funny, charming and sleep with Liza Minnelli. Poor drunks are homeless and sleep in doorways. We’d take the doorway every time.
Steve Buscemi, Trees Lounge
Propping up the bar in his favourite saloon, Buscemi’s Tommy wheedles away his afternoons on the sauce. All he does is play tracks on the jukebox and hang out with the kooky regulars (plus drink like a fish, obviously).
Can he give up his next shot for 10 bucks? Nope. He’s a weak man. “That’s why I drink it straight. The ice cubes are too heavy.”
Joan Allen, Upside of Anger
Sometimes you drink to get pissed. Sometimes you drink because you’re royally pissed off.
Abandoned by her philandering husband, Joan Allen’s desperate Detroit housewife Terry is cinema’s Smirnoff Ice queen: “Your father’s a vile, selfish pig. But I’m not going to trash him to you girls.”
Val Kilmer, Tombstone
There’s happy drunk, weepy drunk, nasty drunk… and then there’s refined drunk. Val Kilmer’s gentleman gunslinger sips, simpers and sweats through terminal consumption/alcoholism.
But even when he’s completely wankered after a 36-hour bender, Doc Holliday can still hit the target: “I have two guns, one for each of ya.”
Billy Bob Thornton, Bad Santa
Ah, Christmas… ’tis the season to be jolly. Stuff your mince pies and brandy butter, we’re talking real Yuletide over-indulgence.
You roll into work on Christmas Eve drunk, put on your Santa costume, beat up stuffed reindeer and scare the little ’uns off sitting on your knee (“I think I peed myself!”). It’s not a ‘wonderful life’ and Mrs Claus is filing for divorce.
Ray Milland, The Lost Weekend
Full-blown alcoholism isn’t pretty. The sweats, shakes and withdrawal pangs can reduce grown men to jelly.
Ray Milland’s attempt to evict Mr Jack Daniels kicks off with a bad dose of the DTs and progresses to rats gnawing out of the walls and bats circling his head. Then comes the SCREAMING. It’s enough to drive you to drink.
Will Ferrell, Old School
Ever get that sinking feeling? You know, when you wake up hung-over the morning after and try to piece together the night before?
So you’re saying I downed a keg of beer, then I got naked, then I got up on stage with Snoop Dogg and tried to get him naked too, then I went streaking??! Frank the Tank, the idol of misguided beer monsters everywhere.
Nicholas Cage, Leaving Las Vegas
‘Cage’s alcoholic screenwriter stumbles through 12 steps to death. “You can never, ever, ask me to stop drinking,” he tells Elisabeth Shue. “I know,” she replies sadly, watching him slip away with each glug of grog.
An inebriated love story that’ll curl your liver, it’s best watched with a tissue… and a glass of water.
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