Don’t let Paladin’s bright colours and cheerful voice lines fool you: underneath its eclectic veneer are some moral dilemmas that get weirder and weirder the more you think about them. So just don’t. And definitely don’t read the rest of this article listing how you can blind people, turn them into fowls, curse your arm, create illusions that may or may not be sentient...avert your eyes now. Especially if you’re a health inspector, because oh boy: these characters would crack up at the sight of safety goggles. Out on PS4, Xbox One, and PC, Paladins is out right now so you can try these bonkers abilities for yourself - prepared to be amazed. Or just bewildered. Whichever floats your boat.
Health and safety? Never heard of it.
Torvald the Runic Sage uses undoubtedly unapproved inventions that are borderline temperamental on the battlefield. Health and Safety inspectors: that’s your cue to swoon.
Clone is the loneliest number
Ying can create illusions to soak up attacks. Best not to think about whether they’re more like clones, who might feel pain, or briefly question the point of their existence before being destroyed.
Neigh chance of survival
Horses will gallop you around the battlefield, but PETA might have something to say about having animals so close to lasers, fire, and inter-dimensional rifts.
She’s as cold as ice (literally)
Ice witch Evie does what we all wish we could do during an awkward conversation with our slightly racist great-aunt: turn into a solid, silent block of ice. Neat. Let’s also hope the lack of a seatbelt doesn’t mean she topples from her broomstick too.
Long live the king
All hail the Bomb King! Munificent ruler of his explosive subjects, he chucks them at his enemies and then...makes them blow up. They can’t refuse because he’s their king. Yeah. Just dwell on that for a second.
Speak softly and carry a weapon used to kill your species
Few people would choose to wield a weapon famous for slaughtering their people. Grover is one of them. Then again, he’s not even human - he’s a giant tree with a woodsman’s axe (possibly with wood chips stuck in its notches) hanging by his side. Grim.
I’M FED UP WITH THESE MOTHERF*CKIN’ SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERF*CKIN’ BATTLEFIELD!
Bullets are overrated. Venom is much more unpleasant - it sears your skin, does splash damage, and it means Mal’Damba can have a snake wrapped around his arm and use it as a gun. Pro tip: bring multiple snakes into battle and throw them at enemies for extra what-the-fuckery.
Fernando is a GOLDEN GOD.
Seeing that your champion of choice has a skill called ‘Immortal’ is exactly as ego-inflating as it sounds. Gold-tinged knight Fernando can engage this skill to prevent him and nearby allies from being brought below 1500 HP or affected by Damage Over Time effects for four seconds. So he’s basically a god.
Me, myself, and my cursed arm
It’s one thing to cut off your nose to spite your face, and completely another to curse your own arm so you can deal more damage. Androxus doesn’t have an issue with this. Gnarly.
Where we’re going we don’t need eyes
When all else fails instead of using Maeve’s knives simply render your enemies almost-harmless by casting them into a sudden swathe of darkness. Who turned the lights out? Answer: Maeve.
What’s the matter, are you chicken? Oh, wait...
Turn a clichéd taunt into a very real threat with Pip’s Evil Mojo ability which somehow lets him turn enemies into chickens for a couple of seconds. Pair with Fernando’s fire lance for some morally dubious rôtisserie chicken.