ZAMUNDA
The National Identity: James Earl Jones would be forced to record voiceovers for every eventuality within the revamped Zamunda. His fine and noble voice would be heard from each and every inanimate object, no matter what it is, in order to avoid costly signposting and also help the blind.
Imagine walking past a lamp-post, and it saying to you, ‘I am a lamppost’ in James Earl Jones’s voice. This is the country we would all love to live in. ‘I’m a conker’; ‘I’m some lip balm’; ‘I’m James Earl Jones’s glasses’. We would never tire of this. Never!
Also, the entire country would eventually be turned into a giant, all-encompassing Ben Elton musical, with songs such as ‘Tell Me You Did Not Love Me When You Thought I Was a Goatherder And I Will Never Bother You Again’; and the haunting ballad ‘The Royal Penis is Clean, Your Highness’, both recorded by Sexual Chocolate.
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I would also import vast quantities of Soul-Glo to give the nation the happy spirit it needs in those times when James Earl Jones's voice just isn't quite enough.
Arsenio Hall, however, would be exiled.
MYPOS
What I would do: As this is the home of Balki from Perfect Strangers and his sheep Dimitri, I would call for the immediate repatriation of any citizens who may have found their way out of the country. I would then close all the borders and sneak out the back way and seek exile elsewhere. An island full of Balkis (or Balki, to give them their proper plural) is no place for anyone else. The lack of Balki anywhere else in the world would be my gift to planet earth. However, the one thing I would bring with me would be Balki’s dance of joy:
Dai-dai-dai-dai
Dai dai, duh dai dai dai
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Dai-dai, duh dai duh
Hey!
... as this is a gift too great to ignore, and arguably Mypos’s only worthwhile export.
