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Go Home ET
The Resolution: Wee alien ET is stranded on Earth after his fascination with the planet meant he missed the take-off of his brethren’s space ship. Stuck here with a loads of kids, he dreams of going home.
Successful? Yup, his alien brood return to pick him up – and ensure an entire planet of children weep themselves to sleep.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: It’d have to get pretty bad for us not to want to go home every night. Though if we're talking about our dream of going to another planet, we’d probably fail the first NASA fitness test.
Never Go Hungry Again Scarlett OHara
The Resolution: Civil War is a tough time, and Scarlett knows what she wants – namely to never go hungry again. Even if that means cheating, lying or stealing to get food in her gob. She’s also a dab hand at manipulation – despite not being the prettiest flower, she knows how to wrap a man around her finger.
Successful? In marriage? Mostly – she goes through three husbands. But when it comes to true love, Scarlett misses the signs and Rhett is long gone by the time she realises that she loves him.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: We make it a general rule that we really should eat at least once a day. If not we get crabby. We’re going to spend the next year doing this…
Take Down Doyle Lonnegan Johnny Hooker
The Resolution: Sick of gangster Doyle Lonnegan calling all the shots, and mourning the death of his good friend at the mob lord’s hands, Johnny resolves to take Lonnegan down by any means necessary.
Successful? Just about. Thanks to friend Henry Gondorff and a crackpoint scheme, Hooker runs Lonnegan out of town as a laughing stock.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Let’s see. Intricate planning. Renting a place to pose as a booky. Drafting in people to act. Sounds like a lot of work. After a couple of weeks we’d be too tired to pull it off.
Seduce Annette Hargrove Sebastian Valmont
The Resolution: In his quest to both get power over step-sister Kathryn, and do the nasty with her, Sebastian must prove how much he wants her by seducing innocent wallflower Annette. It’s a bet that he doesn’t plan on losing.
Successful? Annette resists at first, but eventually Sebastian’s charms wear her down. Except now Sebastian’s falling for her, and he doesn’t know how to handle it.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Many ladies have already fallen under our seductive spell, what’s one more notch on the bedpost?
Kill Them, Kill Them All Mrs Voorhees
The Resolution: After her little boy drowns in the waters at Camp Crystal Lake, Mrs Voorhees hears his voice whispering to her, pleading with her to do away with any new councillors who come to work there.
Successful? Oh yes, Mrs Voorhees hacks and slashes her way through all manner of young nubile things – axes, arrows, you name it, she’s used it.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: We never did like councillors, so it’d be a fair while before we get bored of this resolution.
Simultaneously Loot Three Casinos Danny Ocean
The Resolution: Danny Ocean wants to pull off the biggest heist in the history of heist-pulling by hitting three Las Vegas casinos at the same time – and coming away with the big bucks.
Successful? By some small miracle, he does it. Mostly thanks to that little Chinese chap.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Sounds like too much hard work to us. We give it a day.
Pick A Pocket Or Two Artful Dodger
The Resolution: Street urchin the Artful Dodger decides that if he’s going to survive life on the scummy Victorian streets of London, he’s going to have to get himself a five finger discount.
Successful? Dodger really is as artful as all that, relieving many a rich Londoner of their scarves and purses.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Stealing is generally against our moral code, but if we were hungry enough, we’d have a go.
Compete In A Beauty Pageant Olive Hoover
The Resolution: Young Olive dreams of going to the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant in Redondo Beach, California. If she can just get her family to stop yelling at each first and take her, that is.
Successful? Her grandfather may have croaked on the way, her brother may have discovered he’s colour blind, and the VW she travelled in might be a piece of crap, but Olive eventually makes it to the contest – and puts on quite a show.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: We're not going to kid ourselves, we know we're not pretty enough to compete.
Set Up A Fight Club Narrator
The Resolution: Bored of American society, our unnamed narrator decides to inject a little excitement into his life by setting up an underground fight club, where people can come and, er, fight.
Successful? He manages it, successfully establishing the club. Or was it all just in his mind?
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Why would we want to set up a fight club? We’re a punching bag in the office already as it is.
Be A Part Of Your World Ariel
The Resolution: Little mermaid Ariel is sick of breathing bubbles and answering to her strict mer-father. She dreams of a life above the waves, where people have legs instead of fins, and can do whatever the bloody hell they like.
Successful? Ariel’s first attempt goes awry, courtesy of a devious sea witch, but eventually her father realises he has to let her go, and gives her the legs she’s always dreamed of. Happily ever after.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: We’re already a part of that world. We want to be a mermaid now.
Improve Christmas Jack Skellington
The Resolution: Jack Skellington accidentally stumbles upon Christmas Town, and quite likes the look of it – though he doesn’t quite understand it fully. Excited by the prospect of Christmas, he decides to have a go at it himself, and spruce it up along the way.
Successful? Skellington definitely makes some interesting modifications to Christmas – in other words, making sure it’s really scary for everybody involved.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: By December, we’re generally sick of Christmas. Ways to improve it? More alcohol. Less rubbish on TV. Sorted.
Learn Karate Daniel Larusso
The Resolution: Sick of getting beaten up in his new town, Daniel learns that all the cool kids know karate. So that’s how he wants to fight them, by learning karate himself. If only he could get Mr Miyagi to teach him.
Successful? Through Miyagi’s wise training, Daniel becomes the best karate kid of them all.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Depends how much waxing and painting we have to do, first. We have jobs, too, you know.
Not Vanish Without A Fight President Whitmore
The Resolution: Faced with alien invasion on an unimaginable scale, President Thomas Whitmore gives a rousing speech to his troops as they head into battle on their Independence Day. As well as not going quietly into the night, he resolves not to vanish without a fight.
Successful? Despite overwhelming odds, Whitmore and his troops manage to bring the alien opposition down.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Up until the point where there’s an alien ship pointed straight at us armed to the hilt. Then we’re running for the hills.
Never Sleep Again Nancy Thompson
The Resolution: After hearing spooky dream children chant ‘never sleep again’ as a warning against dream-dwelling serial killer Freddy Krueger, Nancy decides to take their advice, and resolves to stay awake – forever, if need be.
Successful? Not really. Sleep is inevitable, and Nancy just can’t keep her lids from drooping – and consequently has to face her worst nightmares.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: We managed to stay awake for the entire Twin Peaks weekender, but wouldn’t bet on being able to do it again. Twelve hours of being awake is quite enough for us.
Bring Down Skynet Sarah Connor
The Resolution: With sentient computers set to take over the world – and, most importantly, near annihilate the human race – Sarah Connor must protect her son from the future threat, while attempting to bring down Skynet, the company that starts it all.
Successful? Meh. With the future never being a set, stable thing, Connor only really manages to keep delaying the inevitable – but the apocalypse will come, it seems, no matter what.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: The end is nigh? We’re off to dig ourselves a bomb shelter, screw this save the world rubbish.
If It Bleeds, We Can Kill It - Dutch
The Resolution: Stuck in a Central American jungle with a killer alien on the loose, commando Dutch refuses to be its prey and resolves to show the ugly SOB who’s boss.
Successful? Of course he is, he’s Dutch! After figuring out that the Predator uses heat vision, Dutch covers himself in mud and sets a trap. The rest is history.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: Us against a Predator? You’re having a laugh, right?
Go To Harvard Elle Woods
The Resolution: When her boyfriend dumps her for not being serious enough, Elle Woods decides to prove to him just how serious she can be – by attending the same law school as him. Yes, Elle wants to go to Harvard.
Successful? Not only does she succeed, but Elle shows that not all blondes are daft as pink toilet brushes. She even gives her ratbag ex what for, and emerges a strong, independent woman.
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: What’s Harvard?
Make A Fuss, Blame Canada Sheila Broflovski
The Resolution: Upset and disgusted by the foul, so-called entertainment produced by Canadian stars Terrance and Phillip, the South Park mother decides to kick up a fuss and wage war on Canada. “We've got to blame Canada, we've got to make a fuss! Before someone thinks of blaming us!”
Successful? Sheila successfully leads a campaign to get Terrance and Phillip executed, which starts an all-out war, and raise the Devil (and Saddam Hussein) from Hell…
How Far Into 2011 We’d Get Before We Gave Up: We’re pretty good at fussing, but do we blame Canada? Not really, Canadians are lovely. Mostly. Especially when they say “aboot”.
