12 Insane Movie Apocalypses

Divine Retribution

As Seen In: Legion (2010)

Signs And Portents: A modern-day Biblical plague, but nothing so mundane as floods or locusts...

Nah, we get a horde of kick-ass angels, kitted out in armour and wielding fearsome weapons, instead.

The End Of The World As We Know It? God has lost faith in mankind, which stacks up the odds somewhat, given he’s a deity ‘n’ all.

Thank God – or not – human-lovin’ angel Michael (Paul Bettany) still cares enough to get blasphemous on our behalf.

Hyperspatial Express Route

As Seen In: The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (2005)

Signs And Portents: The demolition orders have been on display in the local planning department of Alpha Centauri for the past fifty years. Plenty of time to complain.

The End Of The World As We Know It? On a practical level...yup, 'fraid so, your time is up. Those Vogons need that intergalactic bypass.

For those with a more holistic view, it’s worth pointing out that the Earth is currently being rebuilt on Magarathea. Life (The Universe, and Everything) goes on.

Rogue Computer

As Seen In: Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991)

Signs and portents: Naked men arriving from the future. And robot men. And molten metal men. It's like the local gay disco's sci-fi theme night.

The End Of The World As We Know It? Skynet’s nuclear blitzkrieg - and the post-apocalyptic war with the Terminators - are inevitable.

The only question is when. As a result of all those timey-wimey shenanigans, Judgement Day has been deferred from its original ETA of 1997 to 2004; now apparently it’s happening next year. Duck and cover.

Global Warming

As Seen In: Waterworld (1995)

Signs and portents: Permanent seasickness. Homes built out of floating debris. Kevin Costner sporting a gills 'n' mullet combo.

Our guess is that sea levels have risen, or standards have fallen. Dramatic change either way.

The End Of The World As We Know It? So you have to swim to the shops and the only thing they sell is sushi. So what?

Worse things happen at... er... sea. Oh.

Zombie Infestation

As Seen In: Dawn of the Dead (1978)

Signs And Portents: Humanity has been rebranded.

Mankind v2.0 offers a new look - outstretched arms, shuffling walk and half-chewed brains dribbling out of our mouths.

The End Of The World As We Know It? Surprisingly, no, provided you can get to the nearest mall.

Once you’ve cleared the aisles of any loitering zombies, the fruits of capitalist society will be yours to enjoy once more.

Infertility

As Seen In: Children of Men (2006)

Signs And Portents: The Chuckle Brothers are bankrupt. Stares in Stannah stairlifts are going up. And Britain's a racist shithole.

This is what happens without any new kids on the block. Which reminds us - no more boybands, either.

The End Of The World As We Know It? It may as well be. Who's going to invent daft new subcultures for us to take the piss out of?

Mutually Assured Destruction

As Seen In: Dr Strangelove (1964)

Signs And Portents: If General Jack D. Ripper (Sterling Hayden) is to be believed, water fluoridation's a Commie plot to sap our precious bodily fluids.

Otherwise, the mushroom clouds are a dead giveaway.

The End Of The World As We Know It? The finality of an automated Doomsday Device can't really be argued with.

Still, life for the survivors, bunkered underground in Dr Strangelove's repopulation sex-farm, can't be all bad . Provided you're a man.

Mayan Prophecy

As Seen In: 2012 (2009)

Signs And Portents: Floods, fireballs, earthquakes, iconic monuments collapsing.

Either it’s the end of civilisation, or Roland Emmerich has a new movie out.

The End Of The World As We Know It? Jeez, talk about spoilers. It's only two years away.

Alternatively, start saving. The world’s governments are building space arks to transport the lucky few to safety, but prices start from around $1 billion a seat.

Angry Monkey Virus

As Seen In: 28 Days Later (2002)

Signs And Portents: We could stop and tell you, but rage victims tend to be nippy little fuckers, so best leg it, eh?

The End Of The World As We Know It? No more gentle countryside strolls, romantic meals in restaurants, or quiet nights slobbed out in front of the telly.

On the plus side, obesity is no longer an issue, as the only survivors are all fitness fanatics.

Asteroid Collision

As Seen In: Armageddon (1998)

Signs And Portents: Never mind the destruction of Shanghai and China.

The clearest signal that something is up is that NASA has taking to recruiting a redneck oilman to save the day.

The End Of The World As We Know It? Said oilman is Bruce Willis, so probably not.

Besides, only a fool mistakes Bayhem for something meaningful.

Dysgenics

As Seen In: Idiocracy (2006)

Signs And Portents: For starters, you needed to look up the word 'dysgenics.'

Basically, it means we're all getting stupider. Eventually, we'll have be tattooed with barcodes, and rely on tubes to eat and shit.

The End Of The World As We Know It? That's a trick question. If we're that stupid, we won't know anything .

Although, judging by the success of ITV's Take Me Out , it might be too late for us anyway.

Cause Unknown

As Seen In: The Road (2009)

Signs And Portents: The sun has been blotted out. Animals and plant life has expired. Humanity has devolved into cannibals.

And we haven't got the foggiest notion why.

The End Of The World As We Know It? Well, at least there's a road...

OK, so it might be a highway to hell paved with human corpses, but the post-apocalypse has to start somewhere.

Show some optimism, people.