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Family and friends beg games industry analyst Michael Pachter to 'find a real job'

Concerned friends and family of analyst Michael Pachter, one of the internet’s most commonly quoted sources of games industry speculation, spoke to us today to express their unease with his progressing ‘career.’

“I was surprised when I discovered he was still doing this,” said a now-estranged friend, who hasn’t spoken to Pachter since 2007.  When asked how Pachter got his start, the source explained, “It was just me and him and a few friends, nothing big. We’d talk about games, make little predictions... a bet here, a bet there, and occasionally he'd be right, or at least close.”

“But then someone quoted him on the internet. It was nice at first, it made him feel good, but we couldn’t have known how it would spiral out of control. Now he’s arguing with bloggers on VH1,” continued the source, referring to a 2007 spat with blogger Harold Goldberg, who Pachter referred to as “Howard” in a failed attempt to create a humorous portmanteau of the writer’s name and the word “coward.”

“People even started taking investment advice from him, and eventually he thought it was his job. But we all know it just isn’t a job,” added the source. “We just want him to get help."

Indeed, a recent Harvard study placed ‘industry analyst’ near the top of its list of common fictitious jobs, just under ‘direct marketing entrepreneur’ and ‘artist.’

“I don’t think the public realizes how dangerous and common these delusions are,” said lead researcher Ronald Boulder in a recent interview.

“I see these people, and they tell me they’re going to go ‘work’ at a ‘think tank,’ and I just shake my head,” he added. “One of my subjects told me he’s a ‘social media trend analyst.’ What can I do? I say to them, ‘That’s not a job. It just isn’t,’ but they don’t hear me. It’s very sad.”


Above: An artist's rendition of how afflicted patients may view their 'jobs' at think tanks and investment firms

Most recently, the Wedbush Morgan Securities analyst suggested that a new version of the Wii would merely match the capabilities of the Xbox 360 and PS3, and thus not begin a ‘new generation’ of gaming consoles. Dozens of news outlets reported the un-revelatory observation, which a source inside Pachter’s family believes is part of the problem.

“It’s not just him, I mean, if these websites would just stop quoting everything he said, it might go away,” said the tearful source. But despite Pachter’s worsening condition, she remains optimistic.

“I saw him on the phone the other day, talking about Kinect early adopters, and for a moment, you know, I could sort of see in his eyes that he knew,” she added. “It’s almost the new year…  a time for change. Maybe after the 3DS launches he’ll start to turn around. I just don’t know.”

Dec 14, 2010

P.S. This all totally happened.

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56 comments

  • eightbitforlife - December 17, 2010 7:02 a.m.

    And this, boys and girls, is what happens when you become a fanboy trapped in the basement for far too long.
  • Genericpenisjoketista - December 16, 2010 12:56 a.m.

    Pachter seems like a nice guy. This article was sort of mean.
  • Crabhand - December 16, 2010 12:36 a.m.

    Damn, I'm surprised so many people didn't get this >_> Still a great article, Tyler. Take solace that your humor was smarter.
  • Eliath - December 15, 2010 11:49 p.m.

    I loved the article Tyler. Good satire isn't as common as I'd like.
  • karooo - December 15, 2010 9:17 p.m.

    Hilarious good job.
  • atomgrad - December 15, 2010 8:42 p.m.

    Best news article of the year
  • TFUPrivateIron - December 15, 2010 7:21 p.m.

    @bleugh: Are you new to this world, or are you really that stupid?
  • atomicsandman - December 15, 2010 4:53 p.m.

    My God towards the end I actually thought this was real, LOL.
  • bleugh - December 15, 2010 2:52 p.m.

    this coming from someone who get s paid to write articles like this? real job fail. I'm sorry Tyler but you're no more legitimate than he is and he's quite a nice guy, so stop taking the piss
  • mockraven - December 15, 2010 1:57 p.m.

    Loved the article. As I read it, I heard one of those Discovery Channel Narrators speaking dramatically in my mind -- a sad, serious tone with that "Australian" accent that Australians don't have -- and the family/friends speaking as though they had been crying. It was very entertaining. I would have loved to see a video interview of the "family and friends," but I know that would take a fair bit of time to film and edit. Anyway, nice work! It's much appreciated.
  • db1331 - December 15, 2010 1:11 p.m.

    Great work Tyler. I can't believe this went over so many people's heads.
  • philipshaw - December 15, 2010 12:59 p.m.

    Good to see the lack of game news around Christmas isn't stopping you from writing fake stories
  • SincualaS - December 15, 2010 10:35 a.m.

    ^should be "does not discourage"
  • SincualaS - December 15, 2010 10:31 a.m.

    I hope the fact that some people don't get the joke do not discourage Tyler (or any other gamesradar contributor) from writing these type of articles. While I also admit to enjoying the reviews and the "Characters We'd Go Gay For" type articles, I think this type is pretty funny and a welcome change of pace every now and again.
  • CaptainSalmon - December 15, 2010 10:26 a.m.

    I can see it now: Michael Pachter predicts rise in comedy articles for Q4 2010. It will be posted on GamesRadar, CVG, IGN, and every other creditable gaming news site. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.
  • KidKatana - December 15, 2010 10:23 a.m.

    “I don’t think the public realizes how dangerous and common these delusions are,” said lead researcher Ronald Boulder in a recent interview. “I see these people, and they tell me they’re going to go ‘work’ at a ‘think tank,’ and I just shake my head,” he added. “One of my subjects told me he’s a ‘social media trend analyst.’ What can I do? I say to them, ‘That’s not a job. It just isn’t,’ but they don’t hear me. It’s very sad.” Big words from a man whose job is purportedly researching the fake jobs that other people claim to have.
  • juicenpancakes - December 15, 2010 8:23 a.m.

    100%, total lolz. God I love GR.
  • TFUPrivateIron - December 15, 2010 7:01 a.m.

    Very Onion-esque. I like it. Although I actually like Michael Pachter. He's said several times that he doesn't know why people give a crap about his opinions. But hell, if you're gonna get paid to do it, you might as well.
  • DreamWeaverPL - December 15, 2010 5:54 a.m.

    I wish this story was true. I mean, it would be heartwarming to see the famili of this deluded psycho care so much for his mental health, lol (i made that lol on purpose, lol, because Pachter means sad lols).
  • elpurplemonkey - December 15, 2010 5:53 a.m.

    Good stuff.

Showing 1-20 of 56 comments

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