1. It’s OK to kill people.
2. Dying doesn’t really matter much either.
3. If you’re 14, have hair covering your eyes and live in a small village, man up, because you’re going to have to save the world.
4. Medicine became obsolete in the year 2004, when doctors noticed that hiding behind a wall caused human health to regenerate to 100%.
5. Eating stuff found on the floor is good for you – your parents were wrong.
6. Sometime in the future, Earth will be menaced by hordes of alien spacecraft that fly in predictable patterns and can be killed in one hit. The logical course of action will be to despatch one brave hero in an untested plane/tank/spaceship to take them all on without help.
7. Winners don’t use drugs.
8. Buildings may have crates full of goodies on their roofs, so always check, even if it means riding a motorbike up the fire escape.
9. Enemies, rather than approach you directly, behave like Michael Flatley (of Riverdance fame) on a conveyor belt.
10. Keycards are only manufactured in primary colors.
11. Tanks will go faster if you turn the turret backwards and keep firing.
12. Anything in the world can be made from food, wood and gold.
13. Most guards forget you unsuccessfully tried to strangle them after walking around for 20 seconds.
14. It’s surprising just how useful martial arts are on the modern battlefield.
15. When you get shot, you don’t feel any pain, nor does it affect your aim. However, it does cause your vision to turn red for a couple of seconds.
16. If a crown princess is abducted by political dissidents or terrorists it is advisable to avoid using Special Forces and instead hire the services of an Italian plumber or a dizzy egg.
17. Firearms are most simply reloaded by pointing them at the wall and pulling the trigger.
18. Crates only contain one single item, much smaller than the crate itself. The item will usually be in the dead centre of the crate with no supporting packing material.
19. If you’re stuck in life and don’t know what to do, simply attempt to use every single item in your possession on your obstacle. If none of them work, go back the way you came. You’ve clearly missed something.
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