Quentin Tarantino’s busily finishing off his long-awaited / quickly-made Inglourious Basterds in time for its Cannes premiere this May.
Go and watch the trailer here , then come back and tell us what’s missing. Yup, it’s girls.
Sure, our heroine is a mademoiselle, but as anyone who has read the script will tell you, she’s not in the flick half as much as she should be.
So we’ve gathered together some of the meanest females in movie history, so that Tarantino can sign them up for the sequel. Inglourious Betches, anyone?
10. Lori Quaid (Sharon Stone) – Total Recall (1990)
Why She's a Basterd: Not a lot of ladies can give King Of Austria Arnold Schwarzenegger a pasting. But his undercover missus bloody well does.
Once the Oak rumbles that she’s a bad ‘un, the evil bint shoots him, slashes him and chop-sockys him.
Even when he knocks her down, she still bounces back to give him a vicious goolie-stamping.
Lori: Doug. Honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweet heart? Sweet heart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!
[Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her]
Douglas Quaid: Consider that a divorce.
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Distract them with lycra sportswear, before delivering a swift left-foot to their temples.[page-break]
9. Mrs Lift (Anne Ramsey) – Throw Momma From The Train (1987)
Why She's A Basterd: Beauty may only be skin-deep, but ugly clearly goes all the way down to the bone.
Danny DeVito’s onscreen mama is a truly horrible person, making his character’s life a living, fire-breathing hell.
“Don't you "In a minute, Momma" me! Get off your fat little ass or I'll break it for you! I want two soft boiled eggs, white toast, and some of that grape jelly god damn it! And don't burn the toast!”
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Belittle them to the point of suicide. Then belittle them a bit more until they step over the point of suicide and into the land of death.[page-break]
8. Lilly Dillon (Anjelica Huston) – The Grifters (1990)
Why She's A Basterd: The movies meanest mother? Damn close – Lilly is a hard-as-nails career conwoman with balls as big as melons.
As happy getting down and dirty in a verbal cat-fight with her son Roy’s (John Cusack) girlfriend as she is facing down Mafiosi heavies out to give her a beating, this is a woman who will stop at nothing to get her way.
Even if it means seducing her own son. Ew.
Roy Dillon: I guess I owe you my life, Lilly.
Lilly Dillon: You always did, Roy.
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Grift them out of their gold, their guns and their trousers.[page-break]
7. Dolores Benedict (Kathleen Turner) – The Man With Two Brains (1983)
Why She's a Basterd: A scheming she-bitch who’ll do anything to snatch Dr Michael Hfuhruhurr’s (Steve Martin) fortune – except sleep with him or pronounce his name properly.
Spiteful, wrathful and a deliverer of some truly elaborate insults, Tarantino would love her. Great legs, too.
Dolores: Ouch! My balls!
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis : Marry them, one by one, until every single one of them is bankrupt. It’s hard to fight a war when you’re totally broke.[page-break]
6. Katherine Parker (Sigourney Weaver) – Working Girl (1988)
Why She's a Basterd: Katherine Parker is the ultimate corporate Medea – a high-powered bitch-boss with posh clothes, serious hair and an eye for career advancement that involves using her underling’s shoulders as stepping stones.
But pinching ideas from Tess McGill (Melanie Griffiths) is a big mistake – her fashion challenged secretary turns the tables with some good old white-collar humiliation.
Katherine Parker: Ugh! What a slob.
Tess McGill: You were so smooth with him.
Katherine Parker: Never burn bridges. Today's junior prick, tomorrow's senior partner.
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Demote all the generals to soldiers, until there’s no-one left to lead anyone.[page-break]
5. Meredith Johnson (Demi Moore) – Disclosure (1994)
Why She's a Basterd: Man-devouring bigwig Meredith Johnson sexually harasses corporate wimp Tom Sanders (Michael Douglas).
Then the cutthroat harpie charges him with assault, before plotting to make her crappy co-worker look like a useless halfwit by undercutting his efforts with a defecting client.
Meredith Johnson: You get back in here and finish what you started or you're fuckin' dead. You are FUCKIN' DEAD!
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Seduce ‘em. Sue ‘em. Scalp ‘em.[page-break]
4. Chris Hargensen (Nancy Allen) – Carrie (1976)
Why She's a Basterd: The prime tormentor of poor old Carrie White (Sissy Spacek), it’s beautiful, popular Chris who masterminds Carrie’s bloody humiliation at the prom.
It’s Chris who screams “Plug it up” the loudest when Carrie has her first period. It’s Chris who gets Billy (John Travolta) to kill a pig to source the red stuff. And it’s Chris who insists on pulling the cord that tips the bucket that spills the claret that triggers fiery doom.
She’s malevolence in a prom dress. Those Nazis won’t know what’s hit ‘em.
Chris Hargenson: You eat shit!
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis : Encourage them to get dressed up in the best gear for the next Nazi prom, then ritually humiliate them. [page-break]
3. Marquise De Marteuil (Glenn Glose) – Dangerous Liaisons (1988)
Why She's a Basterd: Like some beady-eyed powder-wigged bird of prey prying flesh off small Bambi-like creatures, the Marquise de Marteuil amuses herself in the drawing rooms of pre-revolutionary France by laying waste to naïve innocents and young lovers with her erotic schemes.
The guillotine couldn’t come quick enough for this cold-blooded aristo-sadist.
Marquise de Merteuil: You'll find the shame is like the pain, you only feel it once.
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Introduce them to the rest of the gals on this list and let mother nature do the rest.[page-break]
2. Phyllis Dietrichson (Barbara Stanwyck) – Double Indemnity (1944)
Why She's a Basterd: Suburban harlot Phyllis Dietrichson hypnotises insurance plod Walter Neff (Fred MacMurray) with his own lust, luring him into her husband-elimination plot with a flash of shapely leg. “I’m rotten to the heart.” gabs the fatal femme.
Okay, she’s as subtle as an ice-cube shower but, frankly, that’s what Neff should have jumped into before falling under her spidery spell.
Phyllis: We're both rotten.
Walter Neff: Only you're a little more rotten.
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis: Charm some blighter into trying to kill the bally lot of them.[page-break]
1. Bridget Gregory (Linda Fiorentino) – The Last Seduction (1994)
Why She's a Basterd: You can’t really get any more amoral than Gregory. Scarpering with her husband’s ill-gotten loot, then toying with a besotted, small-town himbo, the cunning vixen treats men like used Kleenex – and murderlises anyone who gets in her way.
“Are you still a lawyer?” she asks her attorney. “Yeah,” he says. “Are you still a self-serving bitch?” Touché.
Mike Swale: I'm trying to figure out whether you're a total fucking bitch or not.
Bridget Gregory: I am a total fucking bitch.
What She’d Do To Tarantino's Nazis : They’re men. She’d destroy them.
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