Josh Harnett as Brian Allen
Should have cast: Andrew Garfield.
John Wayne as Genghis Khan
The Role: The great Mongolian warrior king.
The Miscasting: What? The most American of all Western heroes slips over to the Far East to do the ‘riding on horses and embracing women’ business only now with a whispy moustache and fake tan. It’s like a regular Western, playing dress up, and Wayne is awful.
Should have cast: Someone Mongolian? Or at least Oriental. Or, you know, Yul Brynner.
Brad Pitt as Achilles
The Role: Mythical hardman and handsome devil who fought for the Greeks against the Trojans.
The Miscasting: The idea isn’t a bad one – as close as we have to a classical star to headline this traditional sword and sandal epic. But even for the most handsome of Greece’s warriors, Pitt is too gleaming and perfect: stuttering pseudo-classical speech aside, he looks like a golden-haired doll.
Should have cast: Someone meaner, and better with daft dialogue. Jason Statham? No, wait, that’s insane. Daniel Craig.
Clint Eastwood as Pardner
The Role: The romantic prospecting partner of Lee Marvin’s drunken oafish gold hunter.
The Miscasting: This is after the Dollars trilogy, people. Clint Eastwood was the leanest, meanest man of the West. Seeing him sing love-bitten melodies and stroll through sun-lit woods is like seeing an Alsatian attack dog wearing lipstick and taking part in a princess parade.
Should have cast: Literally anyone else in the world.
Natalie Portman as Evey Hammond
The Role: Impressionable, timid but strong sidekick to the masked freedom fighter V.
The Miscasting: Portman is a nimble actress and her big-eyed portrayal of Evey shines in places – those places where she’s utterly silent. The big-vowelled pantomime accent smashes the rest of the performance like a fat-mouthed wrecking ball.
Should have cast: Carey Mulligan.
Nic Cage as Johnny Blaze
The Role: A daredevil stunt rider who sold his soul to save a loved one and now fights evil.
The Miscasting: Ten years ago Cage’s manic dazzle and knife-edge balance of danger and charm would’ve made it awesome. Instead he looks like a haunted, pale impersonation of himself, with glued-on hair and a mid-life crisis jacket.
Should have cast: Josh Brolin. Obviously .
Sean Connery as Robert MacDougal
The Role: Wealthy and dashing international art thief and playboy.
The Miscasting: The Bond factor was presumably at play here but Connery is too old and creaky to pull this off. The sex scenes with the much-younger Catherine Zeta Jones are obscene, like he’s writhing around consuming her life force.
Should have cast: Well, Brosnan would’ve been smart. Other than that – Mel Gibson.
Mark Wahlberg as Captain Leo Davidson
The Role: Alpha-male astronaut who survives a space craft accident and finds himself in the planet of the apes.
The Miscasting: Wahlberg spends most of the movie looking into the middle distance seemingly on the cusp of headbutting science – or simply thought – itself. He’s a likeable lead, but doesn’t have the humanity or brains required here.
Should have cast: Can we say Christian Bale for every one? No? George Clooney then, in a proper ’70s-style dystopic version.
Sophia Coppola as Mary Corleone
The Role: Complex young mob-boss-turned-legit’s daughter who’s attracted to the darker side of the family business.
The Miscasting: You know when you touch a snail on the antennae and sinks into the snail’s head? That’s Coppola’s performance – a shrinking parade of awkwardness. Even her dying cry of “Dad!” sounds confused, like she’s misplaced him in a dark room.
Should have cast: Madonna was auditioned, and would have given the role some smarts and sexual fizz.
Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones
The Role: Foxy genius nuclear scientist lady who runs around with Bond on a submarine.
The Miscasting: At no point does Richards transmit any suggestion that her character is a scientist of any kind, or in fact anything other than a lady-shaped balloon floating behind James Bond during the film’s chase sequences. Utterly mindless.
Should have cast: Brains and incredible looks? Cate Blanchett would’ve done the trick.
