Geeky game arguments
Polygons versus sprites. 65nm chips versus whateverthehell
theothersarecalled. Middleware versus machine code. PSP versus DS. PC games are dead versus you'reanidiot. How about 'Spending your life getting redfaced about toys' versus 'Enjoying games while understanding that life's just too sodding short'? We know which side we're on.
OK, you have a favourite game. We get it. But it isn't the only game in the world. There are literally thousands of other games to enjoy and at least one of them will be able to give you as much pleasure as your chosen game. And just because someone else prefers something else doesn't make them an idiot. Everyone's entitled to an opinion, remember that. And after all, your game does suck.
Virtual console laziness
Would slightly enhanced versions be too much to ask for?
Games where you ride a dragon
Unless it's a dragon that's equipped with smart bombs, multi-directional blasters, proton torpedoes, napalm and a couple of A-bombs, then we really don't want to know. Thanks, but no thanks.
TV videogame shows
Making a show for a niche market is easy. You just hire producers who understand and care about the subject and then bring in a few presenters and researchers who feel the same. Hey presto, a good show.
So why does it always fail with games? The average gamer is in their thirties, but we still get glorified Saturday morning TV with out of touch, pulled off the internet two weeks ago ‘news’ when we should be getting a videogaming Top Gear. Sort it out. Now.
Swearing can be funny, but it's no substitute for humour, wit or timing. Swearing to shock is silly and puerile, while cursing to be 'cool' is the sort of last resort turned to by friendless morons who judge everything they do by what's adorning the cover of glossy magazines.
The days of the trash-talking sidekick or 'amusing' game hero are over, and we're so sick of developers swearing for the sake of it that we're not even going to do that joke where we end a complaint about swearing by swearing like a trooper.
By definition, a screenshot should be a still frame taken from a game, while it's being played. However, some unscrupulous game publishers have decided to change the rule books and redefine the word to mean 'mocked up in Photoshop'.
Games too dark to see
Dark games. Not dark as in 'humour', but just 'lacking in light'. Some games are so dark, our eyes give up and focus instead on the annoyed frown reflected in the screen. This is especially true of PSP games. Just try playing Splinter Cell outside. Is it even switched on? There's no way of knowing.
Gamers who are better than us
No one should be better than us. No one. But there are gamers with superior skills. They are total bastards. Lowlife cheating scumwads. We hate them, because we hate losing. When we lose we feel the dark side spreading through us like a cancer. A malevolence that can only be calmed by smashing pads and spitting hate.