Badly placed save points
Devs, we know you’re proud of your cut scenes. But if you insist on making us keep restarting right before them and don’t let us skip through, they’re rapidly going to become about as attractive as someone’s overweight grandmother at an S&M club. Understand?
Also, a boss is a check point. A pounding from a ninety-foot ogre is one thing, but the insult of being forced to slog through half the level again for the honour of a second helping just make us want to assassinate you and the next three generations of your families.
We've met the Frag Dolls on a few occasions and can confirm that they are perfectly acceptable human beings. However, few could argue that what they represent isn't truly detestable.
It's a PR-funded girl gaming clan for f*ck's sake. How are we supposed to take them seriously?
Press release buzzwords
Sigh. What's more depressing than a press release announcing a 'genre-defining', 'revolutionary' and 'unique' new game? Nothing, that's what. Yes, we understand that press releases will always be blinkered, written as they are by employees of the people publishing the 'built from the ground up' 'potential GOTY' in question. But, by Lucifer's black beard, can't anyone invent some new buzzwords?
People with headsets who use them for anything other than talking
Singing, whining, shouting, reciting their Godawful poetry, recounting military tactics from an army book... Any of these heinous mid-game acts ought to earn the offending vocalist an immediate whack of the banhammer.
Blowing into the DS mic
Nintendo, as we’ve said before, we love you. Your innovations through the years have shaped some of the main foundations gaming is built upon, and you’ve given us a lot of fun while you’ve been working on them. Sometimes though, you’ve been too drunk on innovation to realise you’ve fallen over and pissed yourself.
We really enjoy using our little double-screened wonders on the move, but yelling and blowing into the microphone on the bus just makes us look like crazy people. It’s a great cover for schizophrenics wanting to hide their affliction in public, but as for the rest of us? We think we’ll just stick to poking the touch screen if that’s alright with you.
99% of machinima
Very occasionally a decent bit of machinima will come along that's actually worth watching. Generally, though, it's tedious dross that makes us want to stab our eyes out. And we like our eyes, so we tend to avoid machinima whenever possible.
The dock level
We ran out of amusing ways of dropping this into features about things we hate ages ago. But still developers insist on including dock levels in games. How can we put it more clearly? What about: A dock is a shit place to set a level?
Or maybe: Docks? Shit!
Please, unless your game really needs to include a ship piloting section (and these days, no-one cares about them what with planes and the Channel Tunnel) don't bother with a dock.
Because we loathe anything that turns our plug-and-play console into a piece of heartless technology that needs constant updating, patching or registering, with the added bonus that we might be left sobbing over a useless hulk of plastic at the end of it all.
Thankfully, we're long past the days of single-tune games. And movie tie-ins no longer feature a loop of the theme music over and over and over ad infinitum. But games still have looping soundtracks on occasion. It's not like disc space is at a premium any more, is it? No excuse. And if we catch anyone doing it again, we'll tie you to a chair and force you to listen to your own devilish work a MILLION TIMES.
Being invited to the wrong sort of Wii party
We probably should have realised when we clocked the black plastic covering the living room carpet. No-one sweats that much when playing Wii Tennis.