The Top 7… sexy horses every stud should ride

2) Wet Pet Ponies

The games: Petz Horse Club, Pony Friends, Horsez, My Horse and Me

Japan may be most famous for its petite Yonaguni Umas, a pure native breed known for their good nature and pony-sized pooh. But the country is also known for developing and producing some of the most hardcore interactive sex games in the world. Still, while the mainstream gaming media still struggles with wrapping its head around human-centric hentai titles, Western game studios have been busy pumping out hardcore horse porn right under the ESRB’s muzzle. Just look at some of the smut that’s been released by companies like Atari and Ubisoft.

Above: The act of cleaning never felt so dirty. Or wonderful

Above: Petz Horse Club shamelessly targets the always horny horse demographic that yearns for yearlings too young for their own good

1) Agro

The game: Shadow of the Colossus
The rider: Some stupid human boy who likes Mono

Broodmares come and go. After all, these sexy beasts were brought into this world for two reasons: to breed and break our hearts. Maybe that’s why Agro’s faithfulness to her human boy master in Shadow of the Colossus makes her so attractive. Not even gigantic stone colossi can spook this intrepid black beauty; she never leaves the weak human boy’s side or abandons him for some handsome stallion to search for greener pastures. Instead, she stays with him, and supports his ridiculous quest to resurrect Mono.

And it’s this unerring loyalty that winds up nearly costing Agro her life when she sacrifices her beautiful body to save the stupid human boy from falling off a collapsing bridge. To this day, I am haunted by the image of Agro’s flailing hocks and the sound of her whimpering whinny as she falls into the abyss. Why should you ride Agro? Because you don’t deserve her. No one does.

Above: Ungrateful runt! That should be Agro in your arms!

Jul 6, 2009