The Top 7... Naked flesh we didn't want to see

Flashing you in: Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude: Uncut and Uncensored!

The interminably horny midget’s quest for sexcapades have never been that endearing. Though, crass, crude and tonally misjudged, at least we were spared from seeing Larry’s love plums. Well, until some bright spark decided there was a market out there clamouring for a bit of diminutive digital dick. The Uncut and Uncensored version of Magna Cum Laude saw Loveage bare all, turning what used to be blandly inoffensive Carry On-esque innuendo into a grotesque x-rated flashing fest.

Granted, the presence of the little man’s little general was pushed to the side by all the gratuitous lady flesh on show - provided you're lonely enough to mess your pants over polygonal nipples. But the mental image of man-child Larry’s flaccid love tool is still something we’ll carry with us to our graves. Unlcean! Unclean!

Above: Bless you little sperm. We owe you much

Flashing you in: God of War II

The youngest of the three Sisters of Fate may have got the short end of the stick in terms of looks, but she definitely made up for it in the boobies department. Well, if quantity and not quality is your thing. Really, we’d rather stare at complex equations until our eyes bled maths than catch another glimpse of Clotho’s gigantic baps of doom. We could perhaps deal with the mythic monster had she been given the standard serving of two. But no, the Gods saw fit to give her tens of sagging love bumps.

Jaffe and co. really seem to have an obsession with their lady parts. Not that we mind, of course. We’re all for a bit of tasteful nudity if it helps to progress the narrative – although we’re not sure what nipples have to do with the battle for Mount Olympus. But punishing our eyes with a hundred monstrous nipples is a fate on a par with spending a long weekend on the River Styx.

Above: Still a looker compared to the final Clotho that made it into the game

Flashing you in: GTA IV: The Lost and the Damned

Contrary to what flashers, chronic masturbators and this amoral politician may tell you, the human wang is not a beautiful thing. No, it’s something to be concealed and act as a constant source of shame. Especially if it’s an elderly digital dong that’s been rendered as rigidly as an old Sonic background. While GTA IV’s first proper add-on may set new highs for DLC, we simply can’t scrape Thomas’ meat and two veg scene from our consciousness.

Above: The next generation of Wii Motion Plus

Apart from the initial, cataract-cracking ‘Ewwwwww’ factor, though, the full Stubbsy represents Rockstar at their topical, media-baiting best. OK, so a little piece of us died when we saw the Congressman in all his glory. But it at least made us grateful for one thing: thank God Rockstar haven’t mastered virtual penis animation yet.

Congratulations, you've just been scarred for life.

Mar 9, 2009

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