The Top 7... games to hate because they make you feel like an awkward, self-conscious dick

2. SingStar | PS3

There's a distinction that should be made here. Drunk SingStar we have no problem with. As long as we are adequately refreshed we can hold that microphone like it's a tiny plastic kitten all night long. SingStar Abba, SingStar BoyBands Vs GirlBands, SingStar Queen, SingStar Singalong with Disney, SingStar Methodist Church...

But Sober SingStar? With no beer? No tequila? It's not natural. Why would we subject ourselves to the humiliating ordeal of singing while being completely untoxicated? We find that this simple equation is helpful:

Above: 100% accurate

In an alternate reality somebody could be writing an article about 'The Top 7... games to love because they make you feel like a king when you're drunk' and SingStar would definitely feature pretty high on the list. But when your blood alcohol content is dangerously low, this is what can happen:

Remember. Not being drunk when playing SingStar can make you not sexy or cool and can cause a highly embarrassed emotional state.

1. Kinect Adventures | 360

At a Kinect preview event held at a secret underground location somewhere in the north of England, Microsoft had to provide attending game journalists with sick bags. Why? Because Kinect actually made some word-making professionals sick to the stomach with fear. Fear that they would have to stand up and play Kinect in front of other people.

We're talking full-blown phobia here. Hyperventilating, nausea, dizziness, mocking disdain, perspiration. Remember Mr T from the A-Team and his fear of flying? It was like that, but less comical. And with more sick. In fact, it was probably more like that bit in The Omen when they drive too close to the church and the little devil child son of a Satan goat rape totally freaks out. That's what it was like.

Above: We may have got our cultural references mixed up here

And while all Kinect games can cause any horribly self-conscious person to break out in a fit of anxiety shakes, Kinect Adventures is the real scary monster in the closet. No other Kinect game requires so much moronic flailing of limbs and hyperspazmodical ass-twatery as Kinect Adventures. Look at this:

They may have removed the cushioned pads from the walls, but this is clearly some kind of Microsoft-sponsored home for the mentally infirm. Or for people that have no problem looking like dicks when playing video games.

Got a game you hate playing because it makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable? Embarrass yourselves in the comments...

May 23, 2011

It's a sexy collection of retro plastic

They all came straight from Sega, so this idiocy is OFFICIAL!

Keep the door locked shut if you're playing any of these