Before you get started with this article, we’d like to begin with a very sincere, simple statement: we love BioWare a whole squishy huggy bunch. Their narratives are usually awesome and we’ve spent an embarrassing number of hours playing their games.
That said… with the recent release of Dragon Age 2, it dawned on us how many similarities there are in their recent games. It’s gotten to a point where we can immediately recognize an NPC archetype after only spending a couple minutes with the new character; we took some time to jot down a detailed guide of each of these copy-paste characters so you’ll know precisely how to act the moment they open their easily written mouths.
The Awkward Hottie
Examples: Liara T’soni (Mass Effect), Merrill (Dragon Age 2), Mission Vao (KOTOR)
The Awkward Hottie is typically
blue a naïve beauty who doesn’t truly understand how harsh the world/universe can be. While she is most definitely an expert in whatever her occupation involves, whether it be studying the history of a long dead alien civilization or harnessing the power of Blood Magic for good, she turns into an absolute mess when placed in social settings and needs a big strong man (or woman) to lean on. Likewise, she’s a very “glass half full” sort of person so she’ll totally bang you if you pick all of the nice dialogue options.
The Aggressive Psychotic
Examples: Black Whirlwind (Jade Empire), Grunt (Mass Effect 2), Canderous Ordo (KOTOR)
The Aggressive Psychotic is truly a complicated sort. Born from a warrior culture, this guy lives for the fight. Might makes right, only the strong survive, et cetera so on and so forth. Engaging this character in any type of dialogue will always end with him inferring that you’re a massively inadequate pussy. Likewise, he’ll make it perfectly clear that if you ever get in his way, he will cut you. With his face.
The Honor-bound Psychotic
Examples: Sten (Dragon Age: Origins), Thane Krios (Mass Effect 2), Sagacious Zu (Jade Empire)
The Honor-bound Psychotic is typically either a religious zealot or assassin for hire. This guy differs from the Aggressive Psychotic in that he adheres to a special code that dictates his murder frenzies. Also, his sense of humor sucks. While your Aggressive Psychotic drops witty one-liners in the heat of battle, the Honor-bound Psychotic approaches everything from combating hordes of Darkspawn to pouring a cup of tea with nothing but grim determination.
The Pile of Grey Sludge (aka The Male Support Character)
Examples: Kaiden Alenko (Mass Effect), Jacob Taylor (Mass Effect 2), Carver (Dragon Age 2)
The Pile of Grey Sludge is the most boring character in your entire party. This guy is kind-hearted, generic to the extreme and doesn’t do anything that would distinguish him from any other Pile of Grey Sludge. Speaking with him is utterly pointless, as he won’t have anything even remotely interesting to say. Ironically enough, he’s usually a romantic option for female players.