E3 2014, reimagined and recast as a Hollywood movie

Hollywood is no stranger to the process of adapting video games into movies, so why not the video game industry? That's the excuse I give myself every year, when I do this ridiculous, post-E3 feature turning the show's events into a sci-fi, action blockbuster. There will be thrills, there will be spills, and there will be gross, physical violence, all neatly wrapped up and just-about justifiably disguised as video game industry satire.

If you need to catch up on the last couple of E3 movies I've put together, you can check out the 2012 and 2013 editions here and here, respectively. But otherwise, settle down, tuck into that disgustingly large bucket of over-priced, sugar-coated, burst farm-produce and enjoy the show, as I guide you through the casting and plotline for every major player. Let's start with...

Cast because: Microsoft's religiously on-message, fiercely reserved front-man needs to be played with an air of slick efficiency and cold-eyed, practiced self-promotion. Given Microsoft's quick policy turnaround on the Xbox One, his actor also needs to be able to play a fair amount of deceptive moral ambiguity. Coming off the back of True Detective to another dark, "What's he really thinking?" role, McConaughey would be perfect.

The plotline: Microsoft is all apologies and reparations following its act-one trouncing last year, but has new-gen's villain really redeemed itself? Or is it simply buying time while it concocts a sinister revenge for part 3? Referencing his 'friends at Sony and Nintendo' in an impassioned speech, Spencer, on bended knee, formally pledges himself to the Next-Gen Alliance of Games, ceremonially burning his TV guide in an act of allegiance. But can he be trusted? His new compatriots welcome him, but quietly remain wary. Spencer continues to proclaim his redemption, but something about his eyes just doesn't sit right. Something robotic. Mechanical. Almost like a camera, ever watchful, always collecting information... But who's next? Why, it's...

Cast because: Andrew Wilson, with the best will in the world, is a bit terrifying. With his sharp, deliberate movements, calmly aggressive intonation, and an intense, unblinking stare that could burn through a bank safe, he's the very picture of domineering, corporate severity. He needs to be played with a 50/50 blend of charisma and potential madness. Ideally by an Australian. There's only one man who fits that bill.

The plotline: With few exciting, tangible games on show, EA keeps the audience's attention with vague, conceptual, enigmatic non-presentations of half-formed notions. Star Wars Battlefront. Mass Effect 4. Criterion's thing. All non-specifically amazing, all things you need, but no, you can't see them yet. Excitedly paying attention though? Well here's an hour of The Sims 4. But it's an intentional ploy. It's all a smoke-and-mirrors gambit to push EA's hardcore audience toward its casual goliath. You see the new game's vaunted emotional Sims, with individual personalities, are the product of a soul-siphoning operation. Every time you upload a Sim to EA's cloud, you upload your human essence, to be later downloaded into Wilson's digital purgatory. A world he rules over like a mad god. But who could possibly stand in his way? Maybe...

Cast because: Bill has traditionally played Jack Tretton in our previous E3 movies. His portly, affable, lightly witty, self-effacing demeanour has been a perfect fit for two years now. With Jack retired from Sony, I'd feared that we'd sadly lose him, but no. Here is Adam Boyes, effectively Tretton 2.0, his bumbling dad-jokes and awkward attempts to rally the crowd making him every bit the non-gritty reboot of Jack's earlier, less confident E3 appearances. But how do we justify the continued casting within the film's narrative?

The plotline: We could have taken the Twin Peaks route, and made Adam Jack's long-lost cousin. But there's a better way. With its conquering hero bowing out of E3 following his blood-drenched, righteous rampage against the Kinect horde last year, Sony fears for its chances. Knowing that the war will only intensify, it resolves to remake its mightiest soldier using a blasphemy of science. Uploading Jack's warrior spirit into its Morpheus VR headset, it downloads it into Boyes, in a scene reminiscent of The Matrix by way of a Batman suit-up sequence. Somewhere, deep in Microsoft's booth, a camera whirs in alertness, and a once-human eye turns electric red. Fortunately, here come...

Cast because: Iwata needs to be played with a seamless blend of reserved, professional charisma and underlying badassery. Ideally by someone who looks good in a suit and glasses. Ron Perlman, giant, meaty, lumbering lug that he is, is basically Reggie's alternate-universe dad.

The plotline: The early skirmishes of the next-gen war over, things appear calm. Everyone is vigilant, waiting for the next sign of conflict, but moods are relaxed. But then aggression comes from the most unexpected and traumatic source. With Nintendo's US and Japanese arms in furious disaggreement over the right approach to their E3 broadcast (the US wants to smartly, warmly engage modern Nintendo fandom and current Mario Kart memes, Japan wants to use quiet men politely staring at wool), an internal power-struggle breaks out in what was once the most stable, happy home of all that is innocent and fun.

Reggie and Satoru's staged Smash battle becomes a brutal and bloody battle for dominance, with all the high-flying spectacle of Neo vs. Morpheus, and the vicious, hammer-cracking viscerality of The Raid 2. But just as all seems lost, just as it seems internal fractures will destroy new-gen's current harmony, it transpires that there is one who can still bring balance...

Cast because: Wise old Miyamoto, ever balanced, ever philosophical, ever quietly confident in the power of light to triumph over the darkness. There really is only once choice. But note, this is going to be original trilogy, Frank-Oz-with-his-hand-up-a-puppet Yoda, not the crap CG one. Shigeru deserves the best.

The plotline: Like a serene old master meditatorily tending his garden in the build-up to war, he steps away from the battle and (literally) soaks up the ambience of Nintendo's Treehouse gameplay area. In this case, it's actually a treehouse, a vast yet humbly-adorned structure topping an imposing wooden monolith. In a swamp. It is his fortress of solitude, wherein he absorbs happiness and wonder from his players, quietly strengthening himself.

But as he focuses his will, waiting for Reggie and Satoru to realise the futility of their battle (aided by a imminent, concentrated blast of positively-charged Miyamoto magic), he senses great evil in EA's booth, as if a million nerd-souls have cried out in torment before being silenced. Incensed by Wilson's vile subversion of the creative joy of games, he turns to look across the show floor. He begins to charge a throbbing ball of chi, ready to burn everything in his path. But as apocalyptic tensions build to a head, suddenly everything is stopped, by...

Cast because: I've been getting away with the 'Wouldn't it be cool if Aisha Tyler was played by her character from Archer?' joke for three years now, and I see no good reason to stop.

The plotline: Just as Miyamoto is about to regretfully scorch-cleanse the show floor of Wilson's Sims-blight, Tyler bursts into tears, because GAMES ARE JUST SO HOLY-SHITBALLS-FUCKING-AMAZING THAT SHE CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT. Her profanity is so loud that it turns every head in the convention centre. Miyamoto is moved. He knows now that there is hope. Reggie and Iwata stop their fight, and hug, realising that their petty differences are naught compared to what a unified Nintendo can achieve. Even Phil Spencer sheds a tear from his one remaining human eye. He'd spoken of this unity earlier in the show, but he'd never really understood what those words meant until now. Most of E3 briefly sharing a common goal, all eyes turn toward EA. Wilson looks back. His eyes narrow, with desperate, sinister resolve. Cut to black. Credits roll.

The auditorium plunges into darkness. Lilting theme music evokes an air of hope, but with an unmistakable, underlying tinge of menace. The audience considers waiting for the inevitable post-credits sequel-teaser, but ultimately decides to bugger off home and wait for someone to upload it onto the internet. But does this E3 installment contain any missed opportunities or aborted plotlines that should make it to the DVD extras? Let me know in the comments.

And while you're here, check out some of our other, none-more-meaty E3 coverage. If you want to keep it silly--and why wouldn't you?--check out E3 2014's best and silliest PR quotes, translated into real world truth-talk. And then why not have a look at Top 7... E3 2014 no-shows?