The 10 greatest mustaches in gaming history

Sgt. Avery Johnson

As much as our nerdy sensibilities and distaste for jocks demand that we keep this list of characters entirely Japanese in origin, we just can’t leave out this character from Halo. At least, that’s what our bosses yelled at us when we had a Halo-free list. “A list without Halo is like ice cream without sprinkles! Add a Halo character now or you’re outta here!”


Above: Our boss and his handsome mustache

Sgt. Avery Johnson is Master Chief’s best bud in the military. Notable about his hairy lip is the fact it’s invulnerable to the Flood, Halo’s zombie-making, face-hugger rip-offs. Whereas everyone else who touches them is turned irrevocably into their slaves, Avery’s the only human to come in contact with them and leave with his brains and facial hair intact. Apparently the immunity is a side-effect us some disease he has, though that may be a hoax, but we fell asleep reading boring Halo history before we found out.


Above: Can survive the Flood, but not the destruction of a Halo (spoilers!)

FPS BONUS ‘STACHE!
Speaking of popular shooters and military mustaches, we have Captain Price of the S.A.S. from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Your British back-up during World War III sports a classy handlebar number, which we feel safe saying is the reason the guy is a fan favorite.


Torneko Taloon

When it comes to pure volume of mustaches in an RPG series, we’ve got to give it to the genre’s grandfather: Dragon Quest. Perhaps this is because of the series’ reliance on the customary collection of fantasy models, mustachioed tough-guy being one of them, but a more likely scenario is that series artist/Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama loves to draw facial hair.


Above: The work of a master

Now we see why he’s the most popular artist in the world. Still, the honor of greatest whiskers easily goes to Torneko Taloon, the traveling merchant of Dragon Quest IV. Though Ragnar, his DQIV compatriot, has a bigger and fuller mustache, we chose to give the respect to Taloon, and not just because he's way more interesting. He’s also the only DQ human to get a spin-off, which was the first “Mystery Dungeon” game that established the genre. Quite a feat for the chunky comic relief and his ‘stache.


Above: Torneko loves to kill slimes


Alakazam/Kadabra

We got an email recently that asked us the troubling question: can an animal grow a mustache? Let’s clear that up right now. Yes, Virginia, animals can grow mustaches… in videogames, anyway. Don’t believe us? Why not look to a child’s best friend, the Pokemon?


Above: Exhibit A

As you can see, the Pokemon species Kadabra, and its evolved state Alakazam, both have hair in that special place. Some (fools) could argue that it’s actually flesh or some such growing off their faces. But what can they say to the fact that the male of the species has a much longer set of handlebars than the lady? Just like with humans, men normally grow better mustaches than women.


Peppy Hare

But maybe you still aren’t convinced. Pokemon aren't animals like we have on earth, so perhaps you need a better example. For all the doubters out there we have exhibit B, a human-sized future-rabbit, Peppy Hare.


Above: A 'stache in time

Maybe we’ve gone too far, including an animal covered in hair and saying it has a mustache. But as you can see, over time Peppy – famous for saying, “do a barrel roll!” – has been growing some extra fur under his nose. We only hope he's not just some mutant, but a sign of things to come: a future of animals with facial hair.


Above: Look to Slippy’s dad for further Star Fox proof