9 games that had sex needlessly shoehorned into them

Red Dead Redemption

Red Dead is so noble it’s gonna have us blubbing like bandits who’ve just been locked up in a county jail for 20 years. Where GTA IV lets you hire hookers, have your wicked way with them, then have an even wickeder way with them when you beat in their skulls with a baseball bat, Redemption is different. John Marston has no problem shooting precisely 14,000 men throughout the course of his Western adventure. But at least he’s a faithful outlaw, and he’ll always honour his wife by refusing the service of prostitutes. Yep, Red Dead is squeaky clean on the old unnecessary sex frontier…

Oh yeah, that’s right. It’s got one of the most cringe-worthy and graphic hump-athons we’ve seen in a game for ages. Our total bad. Must have slipped our minds. Alright, so Abraham Reyes’ kitchen sexual siesta is about as pleasant as having salsa poured into your peepers, but you can’t argue its of vital importance to the stor… Ok, so it’s been completely crowbarred in for no apparent reason. You tell us you weren’t gagging to see a fat Mexican maid been given what for, though.

Above: Murdering majestic bald eagles is one thing. But watching two people engage in the act of love making? Now that really is too much

Outlaw Golf 2

Good old golf. Is there anything more dignified that sinking a 50 foot eagle putt as you strike a dignified, hunched pose in a burgundy V-neck? While we consider ourselves knowledgeable enough about golf to know our pars from our bogies, we must have missed the bit where the rules say it’s fine to be caddied by a 20 stone gimp.

Apparently, having greens filled with tanks and one that’s shaped like the shitting Death Star trench ain’t enough to keep gaming golf enthusiasts entertained. No, they seemingly need to see a dominatrix indulge in a bit of S&M with a leather-clad freak every time she holes a put.

Now we know one of the below is about golf…

We’re just not sure which.

Indigo Prophecy/Fahrenheit

And they say romance is dead. Or, in this case, necrophilia. How can we write about games that needlessly shunted in a bit of monkey lovin’ without paying respect to the Holy Grail of forced virtual sex shenanigans? In case you missed it first time round, the spiritual predecessor to Heavy Rain has a scene where the two main characters do it on a freezing train.

Oh, and the dude is technically a zombie.

Still, at least David Cage learned his lesson about shoving in totally pointless, awkward sex scenes when it came time to make Heavy Rain…

Yeah, we’ll just be shut up now.

Aug 10, 2010

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