Self-indulgent game scripts (ie. Hideo Kojima)
We appreciate that actions in games need to have purpose and meaning and all that, but when there's so much excess waffle that the game is lost amongst a convoluted belly-flop of flabby wordage, we start glazing over like a lobotomised cake.
Believe us, we really don't need to be filled in by a ridiculous 20 minute spew of back-story for Non-Playable Character B when all we want to do is shoot terrorists in the face. If game devs really want to make movies, we suggest they followthese directionsand stop force feeding us indigestible narrative stodge.
Disc Read Error
Cannot read disc. The disc is dirty and needs cleaning. Please insert a game disc. Only once has this been a good thing and that is when our brand new copy of Shadow the Hedgehog stopped working and we still had the receipt.
Objects that don't break when you shoot them
Because, Christ, aren't we supposed to be living in Space Year 2008?
Derisory PC gamers
Why are some PC gamers so hard to impress? Why are they genetically programmed to piss on any console game, however groundbreaking, just because it doesn't require 'drivers' and 20 minutes of preloading to work?
Yes, your PC may be more powerful on paper than 3 PS3's running in parallel and you've had high-def for ages, but a) your PC cost thousands of pounds to build (yes, build), b) consoles have more games and c) we don't have to strap ourselves into an office chair in front of an IKEA computer desk to play Call Of Duty 4.
Dear boffins. Please drop all other research and focus on getting rid of wires. We understand that wireless power might be ever so slightly dangerous (and a little difficult), but isn't it about time you pulled your socks up and gave us wireless audio and visual inputs?
You know, the ones they sell on a carousel next to the cheese along with 'Pass your Driving Test' CD-Roms and 'You won't believe what these twats did on the M25!' DVDS. They have generic titles like Chess, Bike Challenge, Puzzler and Shooting Game: Part Three. They cost about £3 each. We don't know who buys them.
Wii owners, we know your pain. There’s nothing lazier in game publishing than throwing an old game out on a different machine to make a quick buck without having to bother with any of that pesky development stuff. And when the ‘new’ game is unimproved or even sloppily converted, it makes the wait all the more of a kick in the teeth.
If a game is going to be multi-format, make it multi-format. Don’t tease us for a year and then give us a box of someone else’s shit and expect us to be grateful.
Let's not be misunderstood here. The Japanese can do cosplay supremely well. They're the cosplay masters. They can do the costume and bring a character's persona to life. Outside of Japan, though,cosplay usually goes badly wrong. And then it sucks dog balls.
Games that end just when they start getting good
Tomb Raider Legend, we're looking at you. We play you for about eight hours, start really getting into your gameplay, watch a glorious plot-twist of a cut-scene and anticipate your next level. But the credits roll. And no, it's not like a Square-Enix game where you're about to see the title screen. It really is the end. Dammit!