Cut-scenes you can't BASTARD skip
Developers may feel that skippable cutscenes threaten the cohesion of their work and devalue their effort. Fair enough. But, then, if most cut-scenes weren't unnecessary self-indulgent crap, we wouldn't be mashing all the buttons and muttering "Skipskipskipdamnyou" under our breath in the first place.
You could have just bought the normal version for 30 notes, but instead you shelled out 80 for the premium Special Edition package. And what has it got you?
A tin box that's not only scratched the disc beyond playability but won't fit on the shelf next to your other games. A mariginally thicker manual, filled with 'concept art' and a self-indulgent 'extras' disc where the highlight is an interview with a man who designs the trees.
We won't be buying one of them again.
For all its failings, PS3 is whispery quiet. By contrast, Xbox 360 buzzes and whirrs like a box full of angry robotic wasps, giving every single game a soundtrack that goes "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...."
"Doctor, doctor, I've got this strange feeling of deja vu. It leaves me incredibly disillusioned, faced as I am with a forever repeating mass of opposition that only taxes my patience, not my skills. I never seem to achieve anything meaningful. It's all so depressing. Doctor, doctor, I've got this strange feeling of deja..."
You are not Cloud. You are not a cyborg. You are not a samurai. You do not spend your days poetically whirling through cherry blossom while pink-haired rabbit-girls faun over you. You will never go to work in a mech, and watching un-dubbed, unsubbed anime you can’t understand does not make you any more Japanese or any cooler than the rest of us.
3D Sonic games
Sega, stop it! We love Sonic and you’re hurting him.
You’ve got a bagful of weapons of every shape, size, and capability. You’ve got an ever-increasing number of maps giving you an ever-increasing number of tactical options. So why the hell are you still sitting in that bunker at the top of the hill, repeatedly sniping, or spamming us with your rocket launcher? It’s cheap, it’s not fun, and it makes the rest of us hate you.
The way people fake playing games on TV
Bashing buttons and thrashing sticks at random makes you lose. Have you actors even seen a videogame?
Third-party joypads with a kooky gimmick
We're almost certain that making an exact replica of a DualShock 3 or an Xbox 360 controller and selling it for £5 a pop would totally illegal. Shame really - it’s the only type of third-party joypad we'd even consider buying.
What we're not going to purchase is anything with a fan in it, a Twist 'n' Turn feature, the word Extreme in the title or any kind of unwieldy attempt to meld the functionality of a full sized QWERTY keyboard with a joypad. They look stupid, they feel stupid, we all look stupid.