Now don’t get your Valve-branded briefs in a twist. We know the G-Man has never categorically been outed as the definitive villain of Half-Life. But, c’mon, video game law states any character wearing a sharp suit and briefcase combo is 97.3% sure to be evil incarnate. He’s so shifty, too, conducting events around Freeman like a tightly-scripted play and always appearing right before the faeces hits the fan. G can also manipulate time. And, unless you’re Doctor Emmet Brown, this automatically makes you a malevolent SOB.

Above: The G-Man controlling time = no good

We all suck. Can’t we just leave indigenous species of harmless giant killer apes alone? So the big guy might have scoffed a few hundred Skull Island maids down the years. That doesn’t give us the right to force him to perform on Broadway, tease him with a monkey seductress, and then fill his face full of biplane lead. Us pesky people always get away with this sort of thing. Rest easy Kong, pal. Your rotting 25 foot tall corpse is in a better place.

Above: All freakishly big gorillas go to heaven

Regardless of MGS 4's ending painting the Ruskie crack marksman as a patriot, Ocelot still gets away with all his murdering antics almost scot-free in Sons of Liberty. Aside from occasionally being possessed by mass murderer Liquid Snake, there’s no real comeuppance for this baddy. He shoots his best mate in the back. Messes with Fortune by killing her old man, before putting a bullet in her heart. And even has time to make a getaway in a shiny new killer robot.

Here’s a lesson for you kids: kidnapping a child’s only family is the perfect foundation to build a long and media-spanning career on. That’s right, everyone’s favourite toilet tradesman wasn’t always the amiable stereotype we’ve all taken to our hearts. During the simpler times of 1982, Mario flirted with felonies, as he kidnapped the original Donkey Kong, putting his son through the most sophisticated acts of 8bit psychological torture we’ve ever seen. His punishment? Becoming a more recognisable and beloved icon than Mickey Mouse. What. A. Dick.

May 01, 2009

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