There are two editorial gold mines in the videogame-list business. The first is box art, because laughing at other people’s hard work gone awry is fantastically easy. Right behind those myriad articles about game packaging are lists devoted to poking fun at their very names – and we’re not afraid to go back to the well for another bit of fun.

Using Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix (the most recent name everyone believes to be extra wordy) as the baseline for “long ass name,” we present a list of long-winded games in increasing orders of multi-syllabic magnitude. How many colons, dashes and conjunctions can you spot?

*Deep breath*

Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix
Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots
Super Street Fighter II Turbo: Pinball FX
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass
Enchanted Folk and the School of Wizardry
Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2 March of the Minis
Space Hulk: Vengeance of the Blood Angels
Brain Age: Train Your Brain in Minutes a Day
Mega Man Battle Network 5: Team Protoman
The Mutant Virus: Crisis in a Computer World
LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventures
Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord
Guilty Gear X 2 #Reload - The Midnight Carnival
Romance of the Three Kingdoms IV: Wall of Fire
Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and the Lost Ocean
The Dukes of Hazzard: Return of the General Lee
WWE SmackDown! vs RAW 2009 Featuring ECW
Phantasy Star Universe: Ambition of the Illuminus
Dora the Explorer: Dora Saves the Snow Princess
Super Mario Bros. Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3
Neopets Petpet Adventures: The Wand of Wishing
The Immortals of Terra: A Perry Rhodan Adventure
Supersonic Acrobatic Rocket-Powered Battle-Cars
The Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King
Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter 2
Devil May Cry 3: Dante's Awakening Special Edition
World Series of Poker 2008: Battle for the Bracelets
Space Quest IV: Roger Wilco and the Time Rippers
Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations
Karaoke Revolution Presents American Idol Encore
Spectral Souls: Resurrection of the Ethereal Empire
Kid Kool and the Quest for the Seven Wonder Herbs
King's Quest V: Absence Makes the Heart Go Yonder!
Donkey Kong Country 3: Dixie Kong's Double Trouble
Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol Encore 2
Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Make the Grade
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow
Star Trek: Starfleet Academy: Starship Bridge Simulator
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project
Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II - The Sith Lords
Lineage II: The Chaotic Throne - The 1st Throne: Kamael
Mickey Mania: The Timeless Adventures of Mickey Mouse
World of Illusion Starring Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck
The Legend of Heroes II: Prophecy of the Moonlight Witch
World Championship Poker 2 - Featuring Howard Lederer
NARUTO: Ultimate Ninja Heroes 2: The Phantom Fortress
Peter Jackson's King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie
Spongebob SquarePants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman
Yu-Gi-Oh! Worldwide Edition: Stairway to the Destined Duel
Gabriel Knight 3: Blood of the Sacred, Blood of the Damned
Sam & Max Episode III: The Mole, The Mob and The Meatball
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch and The Wardrobe
SpongeBob SquarePants Featuring Nicktoons - Globs of Doom
Marc Ecko's Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure Limited Edition
Dragon Quest Swords: The Masked Queen and the Tower of Mirrors
The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius: Attack of the Twonkies
The Lord of the Rings: Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch King
Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 5: 8-bit is Enough

As long as those over-lettered beasts are, we found three more that stretch the boundaries of rational naming - the last two don't even fit on one line:

Where in America is Carmen Sandiego?: The Great Amtrak Train Adventure

One of many, many games glamorizing Amtrak and its Big Train agenda

Penny Arcade Adventures: On the Rain Slick Precipice of Darkness, Episode Two

The only game name that comes to mind with a goddam comma

Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Eye of the Beholder II -- The Legend of Darkmoon

Oh Gygax, must we owe you everything?

Pretty anticlimactic ending isn’t it? For our all our technology and polygon-flinging machinery, someone making their own pen-and-paper D&D campaign can think up a longer name.

Know of something longer? Post it in the comments below, but be aware of some of our criteria. First, we pick the longest from a series, not list them all (Sam & Max, Strong Bad etc). We also tried to stick to US/EU/AU releases, so some insanely long Japanese battle rape sim doesn’t count either. Can you out-Beholder us? Give it a try!

Jan 15, 2009

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