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First of all, we don't really hate Halo. We're just pretending. That said, we're not going to hop on the fanboy wagon and pretend that there aren't any parts of the game that we don't like. To be exact, there are 37 of them. Maybe you agree with them, and maybe you don't. Either way, you should give them a read, and maybe you'll discover that you hate Halo 3 just a little bit, too.
1. The story
After years of waiting and hours of gameplay, what have we learned? The Covenant is bad, Master Chief is awesome and Bungie needs to write better scripts. Here's our vastly improved version: Sarge says, “Those aliens are assholes! Go kill them, Chief,” and then nobody says anything else for the next six hours.
Above: Lookin' awesome, Chief
2. In online matches, you can't choose which maps to play
You can pick your gametype, armor color and species, but the maps are always random. This is simply unpatriotic.
3. The grenades
Grenades have been powered down to accommodate noobs and there are only two new kinds: a spiky version of the plasma grenades that don’t glow and the flesh-meltingly awesome incendiary grenades that you don’t ever get to use.
4. The beginning of the game
After years of anticipation, we find out that Master Chief survives his crash into earth thanks to his armor gelling or something. Except that the last game didn’t end with Master Chief falling to earth. Supposedly you can read a novel to fill in gaping void in the plot, but if we’d wanted to read, we wouldn’t have bought Halo 3, now would we?
5. The end of the game
… left us hanging worse than this explanation.
6. There’s no chainsaw
Maybe Bungie was too busy signing merchandising deals to notice that games can have these now?
7. The call letters floating above everyone’s heads
The idea was to make it easier to identify your teammates. The problem is that two-thirds of your team will use the remarkably clever “H20” callsign.
8. Shotty Snipers
Look guys, Shotty Snipers is a gametype - that’s why it’s called Shotty Snipers and not… oh, let’s say “Team Slayer.” Yet, Shotty Snipers still comes up in match selection for Slayer games all the time. Why do those of us who are lawful, fair and healthy-lifestyle-oriented Slayer players have to endure all of the obtuse and silly Shotty Snipers players time and time again?
