Oh, mystical wonder. Oh, onyx orb of omniscience. Behold the Magic 8 Ball. Scoff not, for the 8 Ball predicts the future with startling accuracy. And the ball knows his shit, too, cause he spent the last four years freelancing reviews at IGN.

We’ve treated The Ball’s predictions with the utmost sincerity, taking care to ask a question once, never tampering with the results, and allowing ample time to answer as accurately as possible. In italics you’ll find our follow-up commentary, which it should be noted are not the opinions expressed by the Magic 8 Ball, nor its overlords at Mattel.

GamesRadar: Will Rare’s stable of Nintendo games appear on the Virtual Console?
(8): YES
Can't argue with the 8-ball, Rare. Suck it up and tell Microsoft where to stick it. We need our Blast Corps and Cobra Triangle.

GR: Any chance Medal of Honor will pull a Call of Duty and get with the times?
(8): CANNOT PREDICT NOW
GR: *pees* How 'bout now?
(8): YOU MAY RELY ON IT
Word! Medal of Honor: Baghdad, here we come!

GR: Will Metal Gear Solid 4 actually be released this June?
(8): VERY DOUBTFUL
OK... it's not like you to lie to us, 8-Bally.

GR: Will MGS4 see a 360 release this year?
(8): CANNOT PREDICT NOW
GR: We understand. Take your time.
(8): YOU MAY RELY ON IT
Eat it, fanboys.

GR: Can Mario Kart on the Wii offer a lag-free online experience?
(8): VERY DOUBTFUL
Too bad, lag and racing games go together like kittens and caramel.

GR: Is there any end to the Red Rings of Death?
(8): ASK AGAIN LATER
GR: [Pauses briefly. Leans in, asks again]
(8): IT IS DECIDEDLY SO
We can already hear the champagne corks a-poppin' at the House of Gates.

GR: To stay ahead of the game, will Nintendo release a handheld with a third screen?
(8): WITHOUT A DOUBT
The Nintendo TS, featuring the screen you can smell.

GR: Will Duke Nukem see the light of day in 2008?
(8): MY SOURCES SAY NO
Funny, ours do too.

GR: Will the PSP receive the Ultimate, Super Definitive, Mega-Mega firmware update to end all firmware updates?
(8): OUTLOOK NOT SO GOOD
Good news for homebrewers. Keeps 'em on their toes.

GR: Will the Kane and Lynch movie continue into production?
(8): YES
GR: So, could a negative movie review lead to the firing of Gene Shalit?
(8): YES
Gasp! Luckily, he's got a look that never goes out of style.

GR: Will Manhunt 2 see release in the UK, or will the stick remain fully lodged up the Empire's ass?
(8): OUTLOOK GOOD
Huzzah! Indecipherable kills and cruddy stealth shall be known across the pond.

GR: After spending much of 2007 trampling the hearts of millions, will the Companion Cube finally settle down this year?
(8): WITHOUT A DOUBT
Good for… it?

GR: Is it possible that the Xbox Live Marketplace Point will make a move against the American Dollar?
(8): IT IS DECIDEDLY SO
Call my accountant!

GR: 2007 saw an avalanche of titles purporting to train, fortify and enhance the brain. As a psychic, should we fear a hyper-intelligent race of super-telekinetic humans?
(8): SIGNS POINT TO YES
GR: Good Heavens! Will our DS also become sentient?
(8) YES
Something about how bluntly that was put send chills down our spine.

GR: Is this the year the Madden franchise finally takes a break?
(8): YES DEFINITELY
Weird. Looks like 2008 is all All-Pro.

GR: A creepy Xbox Live dweller was recently arrested for stalking, stemming from an encounter in Halo 3. Is 2008 the year of the Mii sexual predator?
(8): WITHOUT A DOUBT
Parents: Be on the lookout for aborable old men in windowless vans.

GR: Last year saw a metric ass-ton of PS2 games ported to Wii. Any chance Nintendo’s system will see a shift toward more PS3 ports?
(8): MY REPLY IS NO
Rats. We had our hearts set on Heavenly Sword: Swords.

Where would be the best place to "run into" Jade Raymond?
(8): CONCENTRATE AND ASK AGAIN
Our bosses won't let us!