To keep things fair and balanced, we consulted with more than one visionary. It took some convincing, but after an almost inappropriate amount of kneeling, we landed effing Zoltar! Famous for enlarging Tom Hanks, he had plenty of good fortune to dispense towards our favorite gaming platforms. Although Zoltar had a strange tendency to refer to every inanimate console as a "man" his predictions are no less prophetic. Read on, if you dare.

DS:
Zoltar warns about the balance time between work and friends. But with the absurd success the portable is seeing, we'd be surprised if they can still discern who their friends are perched way up on that volcano of cash insiders have taken to calling Mt. Revenue. It's like Puff says: Mo' Money corresponds to an exponential magnitude of dilemma. (paraphrasing)

We mean no offense to the robotic swami, but we may take issue with the troubling passage likening the DS to a "tree whose branches are numerous but whose roots are few," since Nintendo's about their roots if they’re about anything. But the line concerning being of humble standing, as opposed to a great person who "lacks food on the table" resonates strongly as clear plea for more Cooking Mama.

PC:
Unexpected Wealth? We hope this is in regard to the quality and or content of games. Consoles expect to lose money, not PCs, and they rarely do. Given the alledged "Hits" that populate Wal-Mart shelves, wouldn't it be safe to assume the PC defecates money?

Even tiny developers churning out their 27th iteration of an Algebra-based shooter, or games based entirely the repetitive slaughter of ugly, polygonal deer seem to be doing just dandy. Perhaps "Unexpected Wealth" is more of a warning, foreseeing a step down from "Vault-Choking Affluence."

PS3:
The Playstation 3 received a somewhat humbling diagnosis, espousing calming aphorisms like "A mountain is composed of tiny grains of sand." As if to say, "relax, PS3, shhhh… no one stays #1 forever." After all, aren't we all just tiny balls of electrons trying to get through this crazy boss stage called life?

Not exactly, but Zoltar also calls for patience in the uphill struggle to regain the console superiority. Rome wasn't built in a day, so it may take a while before Kratos can tear it all down and sodomize the ashes.

PSP:
"To move the world, you must move yourself." Well, as a portable, the PSP's half way there. It also stresses the timeliness of starting a new project, and we couldn’t agree more. In fact, we can't think of a better example than the recently announced Blu-ray movie playback.

We all want to see the movies we own on our PSPs, right? "Power does not come of sheer force" perfectly encapsulates the sentiment that legal threats and weekly firmware updates may not be the best way to deal with an enthusiastic homebrew community wanting to do just that.

Xbox 360:
You gotta hand it to Zoltar. He seems to have Microsoft's system nailed, beckoning for level-headedness in the face of success. He also cautions to avoid cockiness, and to maintain a "proper attention to one's duties." Anyone who's suffered a Red Ring of Death is probably on their feet in full applause.

It also mentions emerging from a "recent fog." Obviously that's a reference to the 800-pound gorilla currently sitting on Xbox Live, but at least it forecasts an end. But peep the bottom for the most interesting tidbit: You will also find time after business for friends and/or lovers. Atta boy, 360! We always knew you had multiple-partner potential. And we're glad we don't have to by you a whore like we did for your younger brother.

Wii:
This one is rather hard to read. It would seem to advocate a trip of some kind, but a nation of gamers waking to find their Wiis on vacation is not a future we're quite ready to embrace. Maybe everybody at Nintendo will go on an indefinite hiatus, and some lucky company, like Sega or Hudson, will once again get the chance to steer at a console's helm.

But where would Wii go? Where doesn’t it have a presence? Most would agree a trip to Iraq would be ill advised, and places like a Brazilian rain forest or Antarctica could never experience the unrestrained majesty of the Mii Channel. "A busy idleness possesses you" can only be attributed to Nintendo's advertising department. It's gotta be difficult to market something most people can't actually buy.