From: God of War series

Unlucky because: We don’t know how this man lived, what he did to deserve his horrible fate or even what his name is. All we know is that he’s a sea captain who’s destined to be murdered by Kratos, over and over again, for no reason other than Kratos being in a poopy mood.

Above: This is not the face of a man who’s about to live a long and happy life 

We first encountered the Captain on the deck of whatever ship was unfortunate to ferry Kratos across the Aegean sea. In short order, he was menaced and devoured by the Hydra, a massive three-headed serpent that was just there to irritate Kratos.

Miraculously managing to not die, the Captain survived in the Hydra’s gullet until it was dead, hanging on to a fleshy bit for dear life while he waited for Kratos to find him. It wouldn’t have taken much effort for Kratos to rescue him (or even to leave him alone), but that would mean 30, maybe 40 seconds of not being an asshole. After lifting the man halfway to safety, Kratos took his captain’s key and dropped him back down the creature’s throat to be smashed, smothered and/or drowned in its rotting seaborne esophagus.

Had it ended there, the Captain might simply have been forgotten as another of Kratos’ many unlucky victims. But the poor bastard had the misfortune to run into Kratos again, this time in Hades, when Kratos caught his legs while falling toward the River Styx. Naturally, it wasn’t enough for Kratos to simply climb the Captain to safety – not when he could also stab him through the chest, kick him in the face and send him tumbling into the Styx.

But Kratos wasn’t done yet. Oh no. When he faced off against God of War II’s Barbarian King – previously another of his more notable victims – Kratos murdered the defenseless Captain a third time, after he was accidentally summoned to be one of the Barbarian King’s ghostly blade-fodder warriors. Will the Captain’s restless spirit return in God of War III to be brutally stabbed, beaten, killed, tortured and torn apart? We certainly hope so.

From: Viva Piñata

Unlucky because: At first glance, the Piñatas of Viva Piñata are happy, carefree creatures that lead an idyllic, colorful existence of frolicking, mating and candy-eating in the relative safety of your well-maintained garden. But if you’ve ever played Viva Piñata, you know that’s nothing but a damn lie. In truth, Piñatas spend their lives with a metaphorical executioner’s axe hovering just above their necks, from the moment they enter your garden until their inevitable, gruesome deaths.

Above: Welcome to hell, friends 

Whether they’re eaten alive by other Piñatas, poached by interlopers or simply smashed to pieces because you had an urge to smack something with a shovel, every creature that enters your garden is practically guaranteed an untimely end. Honestly, the best outcome they can hope for is to be packaged up and shipped off to parties, where they probably think they’re going to be treated like guests of honor. In a sense they are, assuming you come from a culture that clubs its guests of honor to death and eats whatever bursts out.

Above: ‘Oh god, whyyy?’ 

From: Gears of War series

Unlucky because: “Carmine,” in this case, actually refers to two people: Anthony Carmine and Benjamin Carmine. Actually, it refers to four people (all brothers), and probably more depending on how many games Gears of War stretches out to. But it doesn’t matter, because (so far) anyone with the name Carmine is rookie soldier with the same voice, the same face-concealing helmet and the same inescapable death sentence.

To be named Carmine in Gears of War is to know you’re going to die horribly, often as comic relief. It might come suddenly, as in the case of Anthony getting his brains blown out sideways by a sniper’s bullet…

Or it might come slowly, like the terrifying (and faintly hilarious) fate that awaited Benjamin after he fell into the giant Riftworm’s mouth in Gears of War 2:

Above: Oh, this isn’t going to end well 

Whatever your fate, if you’re named Carmine (or even if you just wear a helmet), your hours are numbered and your last breath is right around the corner. These unpleasant deaths are just the beginning:

Above: OK, so the first one to die isn’t really a Carmine. Kind of looks like one, though

With the fate of the Carmine family looking worse all the time, what horrible, elaborate ends could possibly be lying in wait for the remaining two brothers? Well, to ask that question is to assume that Gears of War will be limited to just two more games, which at this point seems unlikely. With that in mind, here are our predictions for the Carmines of Gears 3, Gears 4 and beyond:

• Charles Carmine: Trips and falls in front of a high-speed train
• Donald Carmine: Head torn off by jealous lover
• Elmer Carmine: Chokes on own vomit
• Frank Carmine: Kicked in the balls
• Gregory Carmine: Denied re-election
• Henry Carmine: Stung by bees (allergic)
• Isaac Carmine: Actually a robot
• Jason Carmine: Slips on banana peel; eviscerated
• Kevin Carmine: Humiliated in volleyball competition, then sawed in half
• Leslie Carmine: Loses his life in a high-stakes game of solitaire

Above: OOOOPS 

• Michael Carmine: Walks down to the corner store for cigarettes; never seen again
• Nelson Carmine: Bitten by tiny dogs
• Oliver Carmine: Eats peanuts (allergic)
• Paul Carmine: Drinks from a bottle he found under the bathroom sink
• Quincy Carmine: Accidentally bangs forehead on low doorway, explodes
• Robert Carmine: Sticks fingers into electrical socket
• Stephen Carmine: Heart disease, the greatest killer of them all

Above: Doomed, all doomed 

• Ted Carmine: Drinks water (allergic)
• Ulysses Carmine: Tries to fix running lawnmower
• Vincent Carmine: Killed by sloth. The animal or laziness, you pick
• William Carmine: Rolled up in a Katamari ball, sent to orbit Pluto
• Xavier Carmine: Goes swimming less than an hour after eating
• Yves Carmine: Hides in an old refrigerator; detonated
• Zachary Carmine: Just sort of drops dead

Feb 13, 2009

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