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GamerBlipsOperation ‘Save your family so you can
watch them get killed ten minutes later’
Failing to rescue anyone in: Manhunt
The mission
During his execution escapades, former death row inmate Cash, who’s being forced to kill people for a snuff movie, has to endure the most unwholesome zoo trip we can imagine. His family have been kidnapped and imprisoned in animal enclosures, and Cash is forced to silently slaughter an entire gang undetected to save them.
Where it goes wrong
Trusting that snuff film director Starkweather (who’s holding Cash’s family hostage) would leave his relatives alone after he’d freed them isn’t the best judgement call. Soon enough, the perverted purveyor of films (who probably robs pensioners in his spare time), kidnaps Cash’s family again. He then machetes them up real good and makes our antihero watch it on VCR. What a gent.
How the day could have been saved
Well, if Cash hadn’t lived his entire life as a murderous scumbag, he’d never have ended up on death row. In turn, he wouldn’t have been manipulated into the whole interactive snuff movie thing. We blame his upbringing. Stricter parents, who never let him play video games, would’ve stopped his life going down the toilet.
Above: If only James Earl had spent more time helping the elderly, maybe then he wouldn't have turned into a man-strangling sociopath
Operation ‘Unwittingly infect
your hostages with a killer virus'
Failing to rescue anyone in: Metal Gear Solid
The mission
Save Kenneth Baker, president of ArmsTech and Donald Anderson, the DARPA Chief. This is the mission Solid Snake, our surprisingly talkative killer, must complete as he infiltrates an Alaskan base full of evil terrorist no-gooders.
Where it goes wrong
Oh Snake, if only one of the million questions you ask your superiors during MGS had been ‘Did you inject me with a contagious pathogen that’s going to off the very people I’ve been sent to save?’
Above: A close-up view of Snake's FoxDie-infested bandanna. Ewwww.
Had he, then maybe he wouldn’t have accidentally bunked off old Ken and Donald (OK, technically the latter was baddie Decoy Octopus) with the FoxDie virus. We might also have been spared 6 hours worth of codec conversations.
How the day could have been saved
If Snake had been a massive baby and refused any injections during his mission briefing. Sure, among the myriad of shit pumped into his body he was given a variety of drugs that stopped him freezing in the Alaskan wilderness. But there’s nothing exposure to sub-zero temperatures can do that can’t be fixed by carrying a trusty pack of smokes.
Above: The definition of a man's, man's, man's, man's man.
July 30, 2009
The Top 7... Damsels You DON'T Want to Save
Screw chivalry! These ladies deserve distress
Gaming's most facepalm-worthy heroes
When the hero's mistakes end the world instead of saving it
The Top 7... Blue ball moments
The game may be over, but where's our happy ending?
