Prince of Persia (next-gen)

Oh, what?! You forgot about 2008’s Prince of Persia just because it doesn’t star Jake Gyllenhall and the hero doesn’t have a Godsmack Wrestlemania entrance theme?!

You think you’re conscious, but you’re not entirely sure. You don’t remember waking up, and if you did, you certainly don’t remember how long ago. All there may ever have been is this hazy, hot, uncomfortable limbo. The vague memories of your life before it may themselves have been a dream, for all the plausibility of any emotion or experience beyond the pain of this thirsty, bone-aching, thought-sucking hell.

You slither out of bed and crawl to living room. You drag yourself like a busted Terminator over to the sofa, fall upon it with the impact of an dinosaur-wiping asteroid, and try to think of a game with which to sooth your tortured mind. But they’re all too loud, or too reliant on skill, or too fast-paced, or have narratives you couldn’t possibly concentrate on through your current haze of hot-skulled stupidity.

But fear not, friends. Games can have the answer to this disgusting state. They require very careful choosing (after all, the trip back to the shelf if it all goes wrong is hardship enough to make you give up on the whole escapade), but choose carefully we have. This list is tried and tested, and one weekend soon, it may save your life. 

For decades, the San Diego Comic-Con (SDCC) was only known as the best place for avid comic fans (aka virgins) to waste tons of money on more comic books than they needed. But in the last 10 years, other bits of geekery have been seeping in, including anime, Dungeons & Dragons and even videogames...

Although most guys know Hollywood uber-producer Jerry Bruckheimer for summer action flicks like Top Gun, The Rock, Con Air and Armageddon, Van Toffler, president of MTV Networks Music & Logo Group, would love for Bruckheimer to take MTV Games out of its comfort zone of rhythmic gaming like The Beatles: Rock Band and attract more females.

How noble, the human species! Once a year we selflessly take a break from wrapping products in toxic plastics and burning piles of old tires to appease this stupid, stupid planet we live on. How dare it demand more trees, breathable air and animals that don’t choke to death on our trash?

I’m not a miserable sexist ass; I’m just a practical observer. One thing I’ve observed is that men and women are different (I figured that one out pretty early on). Since I’m a rational person, I’m aware that nothing is entirely one way or another. Even the divide between life and death is ambiguous (uh, zombies, amirite?).

What the buggering heck is this? 800 MS points just to see the ending of a full-priced game? Ubisoft must be joking. Thankfully, hurtling through a subterranean superstructure at blinding speed it’s clear our new Prince has at long last found his calling.

Has it really only been 12 months since the last avalanche of “Best Games of 200X” awards? Well, we all love a good list, and you won’t find a better barf bag of random praises than our own Platinum Chalice awards, the place to have someone else’s gaming opinions shoved upon you. How important are these awards? So important. Real important. What do the other guys have, gold trophies? Screw that.