Hitman: Blood Money

Every now and then, be it at work or play, we all feel like saying: “Screw it. I simply can’t be assed.” There’s no shame in it. After all, apathy is both big and clever. But what if some of our favourite game characters took this bone idle approach to their adventures…

Ugly scribbles and meaningless drivel? Or prophecies that predicted the future of gaming?

Every character in the history of games is a simpering moron. That's the only explanation we can think of that solves the mystery of how the virtual stars inside managed to fool everyone with the most half-assed, obvious costumes since Zorro chose the smallest Spanish mask in existence and thought: "F*ck it, who'll know." And whether dressing up as the enemy, the opposite sex or a homicidal clown, these characters rubbish disguises rarely got rumbled.

Ever since I was but a lad, the prospect of my first virtual hit a mere glimmer in my eye, I’ve had a dream. Oh, alright then, ever since I finished Blood Money. Anyhoo, that dream is of a world where Scotland always qualify for the World Cup. An existence where Back to the Future II's hoverboards are both affordable and in plentiful supply. And, most importantly, a world where the next Hitman is announced at this week’s E3 as an open world game.

Read inside to find out why Agent 47 doing a Niko Bellic would be a murderously good idea. 

Composers in games are always the bloody bridesmaids. While Kojima, Clifford Bleszinski the Third and Shigeru Miyamoto lap up all the credits, complimentary hookers and free mini muffin baskets, the men and women behind their games' epic music go unnoticed.

Steven Spielberg famously said that composer John Williams' score in Jaws was responsible for 50% of the movie's success. And when you consider the iconic tunes from Super Mario Bros. or Shadow of the Colossus' sweeping score, it's hard to underestimate the impact a well composed soundtrack can have on a title. That's why we're giving some of gaming's finest composers the long overdue recognition they deserve.

We'll admit it: we've got a massive man crush on Robert De Niro. He's starred in some of the greatest war and crime flicks ever, any one of which would make awesome adult games. That's why we've taken the best movies from the 'Greatest Actor Ever' TM and mashed them up with brilliant games, to create the most badass Bobby titles ever.

The Wii is the home of clueless casual gamers, housewives and grannies: fact. Ok, so that’s not entirely true, but there’s no doubt the aforementioned groups have helped propel the little white box into the sales stratosphere. But while they’re undoubtedly the backbone of Nintendo’s current business model, there’s only so long they can last on Wii Sports and Wii Fit. That’s why we’ve taken some of

Numbers. Man, there must be millions of ‘em. Seems like every other game on the shelf has a number in it. Boy, I bet you could count to a hundred using just videogame titles and related items. Let’s see if I’m right.

On some level, roughly 95 percent of games have always been about assassination: go to point A and kill prominent entity B, fighting your way through goons C through Z to get there. Most games tend to come up with a morally justifiable pretext for all the violence, but more and more, we're seeing games that drop the act and let you be what you've secretly known yourself to be all along: a remorseless killing machine bent on destroying your targets.