Would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

The Alien Apocalypse

The only way to accurately predict what would happen to gamers in the event of an alien invasion is to insert ourselves into the mind of an alien. To think like one. And that's not easy because aliens are way more intelligent than we are. Look at this:

Aliens are really smart and can think about stuff we can't begin to comprehend without our brains combusting in a puff of very confused smoke. But we'll try.

Imagine you're an alien. You've invaded Earth and destroyed all the tall buildings. All that remains is to harvest the puny humans, but which ones do you send to the factory for the extremely invasive bodily fluid transference procedure and which ones do you keep and send for exciting tests and special privileges?

Soldiers? No. They're conditioned to kill all aliens and have puny weapons. Politicians? No. They're spineless power whores who hide behind the soldiers. Celebrity TV chefs? Unless they can rumble up something with hydrogen that can be absorbed through cellular sponges on the ends of prehensile stalks, then no.

But gamers? Those guys have experience using gravity guns, plasma grenades, mech suits, jet-pacs, portal technology and can pilot a vast array of extraterrestrial vehicles. Let's keep them. They could come in handy. In fact, fit them all with laser penises, send them to that beautiful planet in the Utopia galaxy and force them to procreate with that species of promiscuous super hot sexy space babe.

While this outcome is not totally guaranteed, we're pretty sure it's how it could happen.

Conclusion: The Alien-type apocalypse would be exceedingly GOOD for gamers.

The Zombie Apocalypse

This type of apocalypse covers all varieties of viral, infection and mutation scenarios in which unwell people or animals that are also possibly dead are possessed by an uncontrollable dietary disorder that forces them to eat flesh and brains of other people or animals that are in comparatively good health. That's pretty much a dictionary definition. Refer to the table below for more information.

Given the prolonged widespread use of zombies in the gaming medium, it would be logical to conclude that a zombie apocalypse would be eminently survivable for gamers. Just grab a shotgun and aim for the area above the neck. But in fact the ubiquitous nature of virtual shambling cadavers on our TVs and monitors would have a negative impact on our ability to effectively avoid zombification.

Gamers would divide into factions. There would be those only interested in a Nazi Zombie Apocalypse. This faction would perish while waiting impatiently for such an apocalypse to be announced. Misinformed casual gamers would adopt an ineffective shrubbery-based defence and consequently be gnawed to the bone quicker than a bucket of KFC.

Then there would be those that assembled in groups of four to fight zombies cooperatively. However, these groups would quickly descend into petty bickering about tactics and who was better at killing zombies. This would escalate into an irresolvable situation. Eventually, the young dude, the old dude, the black dude and the chick dude (typically the four main dude types of any such anti-zombie collective) would all rage-kill each other anyway, saving the zombies the bother.

And then there would be a faction that was just sooooooo bored with zombies already they would actually throw themselves into the mouths of the starving people-eating mob just to get it over and done with.

Conclusion: Contrary to popular opinion, the Zombie-type apocalypse would be incredibly BAD for gamers.

So there you have it. Irrefutable evidence that while apocalypses are generally not brilliant, they could actually be a lot better for gamers than you may have previously thought. Do you have an opinion? Let us know in the comments.

March 2, 2011

If all this talk of apocalypses has got you excited for apocalypses, you should go wild and enter our Motorstorm Apocalypse competition. You could win a Sony Bravia 3D TV, Sony PS3 games and even a trip to E3!

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  • KippDynamite - March 5, 2011 12:42 a.m.

    This is way Matt Cundy is my favorite. Probably the most funny game related article I have ever read!
  • Gameguy94 - March 4, 2011 1:50 a.m.

    LOL casual gamers would use plants to kill zombies!! That's was good. Very funny article GR.
  • elmaropwnz - March 3, 2011 9:30 p.m.

    Nice one Cundy, the zombie one is suprising yet reasonable let's just wait for dead island, then maybe we'll stand a chance!
  • rxb - March 3, 2011 8:06 p.m.

    Cundy your mental. Good article.
  • quincytheodore - March 3, 2011 6:23 a.m.

    I disagree. I would rock in zombie apocalypse. I even had dreams about it, I shit you not. If it comes to that, "Everyone on me!" Wait scratch that, people will probably just get in my way, and they'll get bitten, turn on me, making me shoot them thus wasting bullet and piece of my sanity. Just get away from me and bring all the upcoming emotional scar with you.. "sniff" maybe I won't survive after all :(
  • RideZeLitenin - March 3, 2011 4:33 a.m.

    Apocalype Now? Anytime.
  • Spybreak8 - March 3, 2011 4:30 a.m.

    Bravo sir, haha bravo. Great article.
  • Japanaman - March 3, 2011 4:02 a.m.

    I suppose the best way to die would be to get crushed by a giant Katamari as aliens steal junk from Earth to marvel at it later in a giant snowglobe or something.
  • Valntyne - March 3, 2011 2:05 a.m.

    I say bring it.
  • Roofmonkey - March 3, 2011 12:19 a.m. ^ Dont forget about that
  • Hullonotna - March 2, 2011 11:31 p.m.

    Amazing article. Most gamers would last longer then most in a zombie apocalypse and should be used as the main soldiers in an alien invasion. One thing that would destroy gamers is an elemental apocalypse, no power :'(
  • majrf22 - March 2, 2011 11:08 p.m.

    you got that quite right, one thing though, the ultimate survivors would be people like me, people who actually know how to use a shotgun.
  • oneshotfinch - March 2, 2011 10:02 p.m.

    This is a fantastic example of a Matt Cundy article.
  • Markstone - March 2, 2011 9:32 p.m.

    Shouldn't an Activision CEO have a 0% survival chance?
  • AurA - March 2, 2011 9:27 p.m.

    aww i always imagined the zombie apocalypse to be the best apocalypse. I mean i already have a pretty decent sword, which makes me already prepared for the zombie apocalype in 2012 *crossing fingers*
  • gopikmin - March 2, 2011 9:17 p.m.

    our success depends if the zombies can be runners or not. I would drive a car around town really fast to mow as i can. When i get low on fuel i take out the guns I "borrowed" from the gun and aim for the limbs until i reach some sort of safehouse or skyscraper and camp out until the zombie population is extinct in the area. the plan would be foolproof except that i live near nyc. If it is a religious apocalypse the majority of gamers are doomed
  • Crypto140 - March 2, 2011 9:03 p.m.

    I lost many a friend with arguments about what would happen during a zombie invasion. Me: During a zombie invasion, I would so be the Bill. I older and wiser than all of you. Friend: Sure, you can be the old guy who gets a heart attack half way though. I will be more like Chuck Greene. Me: I forgot you could kick a soccer ball and it would hit 50 zombies from one kick. Friend: Yes I could because I am so hardcore. I can make it to rank 10 in CoD Nazi zombies. Me: Ohhhhhhh good for you. You can make it to rank 10 in a zombie invasion where you get weapons off the walls and open doors with points, becasue you're not smart enough to shoot the lock. Friend: No, I will build a chainsaw pattle. Then when you run out of ammo- Me: I don't run out of ammo. It's only when I am covering your sorry ass from a hunter, I run out of ammo- Friend; But I will have a meele weapon. Me: That's 50 pounds, and if I recall, breaks after 50 zombies. It will look like you hitting zombies with a sofa.
  • philipshaw - March 2, 2011 8:12 p.m.

    Was Cundy drunk when he wrote this?
  • killerjon666 - March 2, 2011 7:11 p.m.

    Yes I agree that casual "I only play nazi zombies" gamers would get gnawed on in a matter of a few days but what about the hardcore gamers who play the resident evil series all hours through the night? I think we would have a decent chance in the zombie apocalypse.
  • krejsy - March 2, 2011 7:04 p.m.

    Really good article, and also, I'm quite prepared for an inevitable zombie apocalypse. I have even tried to get the first aid kits, and fire safety kits(don't really know what it's called in english) at my school swapped for zombie survival kits. Since it's obvious that someone will turn into a zombie and will need his/hers/its head blown off before some gets hurt of set on fire.