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Would an actual apocalypse be a good thing or a bad thing for gamers?

The Environmental Apocalypse

It's probably been scientifically proven that the process of manufacturing games and games consoles is so toxic that owning just one current generation machine and five copies of Call of Duty: Black Ops is actually the environmental equivalent of killing a baby polar bear.

It would be a kind of cosmic justice then if we found ourselves smack bang in the middle of an environmental type apocalypse. Ironically, it would be the years of gaming - powered by electronic boxes full of thermoplastic polymers and played on gargantuan, energy swallowing TVs - that would save us.

Lava levels, ice worlds, desert sections, overgrown jungle bits - we've all navigated these potentially hostile environments. We would know exactly what to do. Another Ice Age? Avoid the penguins and don't let anything breathe on you. Planet turned into a ball of molten magma? Stay on the floating rock platforms and keep an eye out for dinosaurs. Dinosaurs have a tendency to unextinct themselves when there's lava about.

But there is a worst case scenario. If the polar ice caps melt and turn the world into a giant Ocarina of Time-style Water Temple, then there is a much higher possibility that we would be totally boned.

Conclusion: The Environmental-type apocalypse would be GOOD for gamers. Just as long as it wasn't a water-type environmental apocalypse. Then it would be BAD.


The Falling Space Rock Apocalypse

As anyone that's mined every planet in Mass Effect will tell you, the galaxy is a big place. It's stuffed full of space, bits of junk floating about and not much else. If a rock falls off the edge of Jupiter, it has over 300 million miles to fall before it reaches Earth. By the time it hits, it's going to be going quite fast. That means deep impact. Which means devastation. And that means lots of death. Imagine Majora's Mask but without the time-travelling safety net.

So if a honking great galactic boulder dropped from the heavens like a fat lass off an Olympic diving board, we'd all be smashed into even more insignificant pieces with the extinction hammer. However, by using the kind of gaming skills hard-wired into the brains of gamers during the fashionable 1970s, gamers would be able to avert an asteroid apocalypse with relative ease and be hailed as heroes in civilization's hour of need.

By employing the basic principles of electromagnetic propulsion, a team of scientists and builders could construct an enormous kind of floating bat in the Earth's exosphere. This technologically amazing floating bat would be manually operated from the planet's surface using a potentiometer-based paddle controller. It would be located somewhere important. Like the Kennedy Space Centre or a secret bunker underneath Buckingham Palace.

As the asteroid approached, the floating bat would simply be strategically positioned according to the ballistic trajectory. This would prevent the potentially apocalypse-causing piece of astronomical rubble from hitting Earth by deflecting it straight back into the black sky known as space. Problem solved. (Presuming there wasn't some extra-terrestrial with their own floating bat construction to ping the intergalactic masonry straight back.)

Conclusion: The Falling Space Rock-type apocalypse would be a mix of GOOD and BAD for gamers.

Next: Even more apocalypse carnage! 

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WTF

45 comments

  • KippDynamite - March 5, 2011 12:42 a.m.

    This is way Matt Cundy is my favorite. Probably the most funny game related article I have ever read!
  • Gameguy94 - March 4, 2011 1:50 a.m.

    LOL casual gamers would use plants to kill zombies!! That's was good. Very funny article GR.
  • elmaropwnz - March 3, 2011 9:30 p.m.

    Nice one Cundy, the zombie one is suprising yet reasonable let's just wait for dead island, then maybe we'll stand a chance!
  • rxb - March 3, 2011 8:06 p.m.

    Cundy your mental. Good article.
  • quincytheodore - March 3, 2011 6:23 a.m.

    I disagree. I would rock in zombie apocalypse. I even had dreams about it, I shit you not. If it comes to that, "Everyone on me!" Wait scratch that, people will probably just get in my way, and they'll get bitten, turn on me, making me shoot them thus wasting bullet and piece of my sanity. Just get away from me and bring all the upcoming emotional scar with you.. "sniff" maybe I won't survive after all :(
  • RideZeLitenin - March 3, 2011 4:33 a.m.

    Apocalype Now? Anytime.
  • Spybreak8 - March 3, 2011 4:30 a.m.

    Bravo sir, haha bravo. Great article.
  • Japanaman - March 3, 2011 4:02 a.m.

    I suppose the best way to die would be to get crushed by a giant Katamari as aliens steal junk from Earth to marvel at it later in a giant snowglobe or something.
  • Valntyne - March 3, 2011 2:05 a.m.

    I say bring it.
  • Roofmonkey - March 3, 2011 12:19 a.m.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTbYUd1jUc4 ^ Dont forget about that
  • Hullonotna - March 2, 2011 11:31 p.m.

    Amazing article. Most gamers would last longer then most in a zombie apocalypse and should be used as the main soldiers in an alien invasion. One thing that would destroy gamers is an elemental apocalypse, no power :'(
  • majrf22 - March 2, 2011 11:08 p.m.

    you got that quite right, one thing though, the ultimate survivors would be people like me, people who actually know how to use a shotgun.
  • oneshotfinch - March 2, 2011 10:02 p.m.

    This is a fantastic example of a Matt Cundy article.
  • Markstone - March 2, 2011 9:32 p.m.

    Shouldn't an Activision CEO have a 0% survival chance?
  • AurA - March 2, 2011 9:27 p.m.

    aww i always imagined the zombie apocalypse to be the best apocalypse. I mean i already have a pretty decent sword, which makes me already prepared for the zombie apocalype in 2012 *crossing fingers*
  • gopikmin - March 2, 2011 9:17 p.m.

    our success depends if the zombies can be runners or not. I would drive a car around town really fast to mow as i can. When i get low on fuel i take out the guns I "borrowed" from the gun and aim for the limbs until i reach some sort of safehouse or skyscraper and camp out until the zombie population is extinct in the area. the plan would be foolproof except that i live near nyc. If it is a religious apocalypse the majority of gamers are doomed
  • Crypto140 - March 2, 2011 9:03 p.m.

    I lost many a friend with arguments about what would happen during a zombie invasion. Me: During a zombie invasion, I would so be the Bill. I older and wiser than all of you. Friend: Sure, you can be the old guy who gets a heart attack half way though. I will be more like Chuck Greene. Me: I forgot you could kick a soccer ball and it would hit 50 zombies from one kick. Friend: Yes I could because I am so hardcore. I can make it to rank 10 in CoD Nazi zombies. Me: Ohhhhhhh good for you. You can make it to rank 10 in a zombie invasion where you get weapons off the walls and open doors with points, becasue you're not smart enough to shoot the lock. Friend: No, I will build a chainsaw pattle. Then when you run out of ammo- Me: I don't run out of ammo. It's only when I am covering your sorry ass from a hunter, I run out of ammo- Friend; But I will have a meele weapon. Me: That's 50 pounds, and if I recall, breaks after 50 zombies. It will look like you hitting zombies with a sofa.
  • philipshaw - March 2, 2011 8:12 p.m.

    Was Cundy drunk when he wrote this?
  • killerjon666 - March 2, 2011 7:11 p.m.

    Yes I agree that casual "I only play nazi zombies" gamers would get gnawed on in a matter of a few days but what about the hardcore gamers who play the resident evil series all hours through the night? I think we would have a decent chance in the zombie apocalypse.
  • krejsy - March 2, 2011 7:04 p.m.

    Really good article, and also, I'm quite prepared for an inevitable zombie apocalypse. I have even tried to get the first aid kits, and fire safety kits(don't really know what it's called in english) at my school swapped for zombie survival kits. Since it's obvious that someone will turn into a zombie and will need his/hers/its head blown off before some gets hurt of set on fire.

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