With This Ring

The romance, the fights, the parties, the aliens puking in the punch. 10 SF&F weddings

. (Yeah, it’s an old feature, but we thought it was worth bumping it up considering the occasion)

Got your confetti? Good. Nuptials may be the staple diet of romantic comedies, chick flicks and soap operas, but sci-fi and fantasy have had their own share of wedding-day tales to tell too. We take a look at the good, the bad and the Buffy...

.

The Princess Bride

Bride: Buttercup
Groom: Prince Humperdinck
Location: A beautiful church
The happy occasion: Buttercup is forced to marry the Prince despite being in love with Westley, aka The Dread Pirate Roberts. She waits for her lover to come barging in to rescue her – that’s what always happens in fairy tales, isn’t it? But no dice. Man and wife! Too late!
The priest: Peter Cook, having a field day with a lisp and an ultra-serious delivery. “Mawwiage... that blessed awwangement... that dweam within a dweam...”
Reception entertainment: What does Buttercup care? She’s going to stab herself in the heart anyway.
Any shenanigans with the ring? Humperdinck jams it on her finger with as much finesse and affection as a postie shoving a parcel through a letterbox.
The dress: An expensive-looking crown tops off a beautiful medieval-style gown.
Best day of their lives? Hell no! But at least Westley gets there before Buttercup ruins her perfect breasts with that knife.

.

.

Doctor Who “The Runaway Bride”

Bride: Donna Noble
Groom: Lance Bennett
Location: A church in Chiswick
The happy occasion: Donna Noble vanishes while walking up the aisle and materialises inside the TARDIS. After some initial confusion, robot Santas, death-defying motorway stunts and the revelation that Donna only fell in love with Lance because he soaked her in Huon particles (it’s happened to us all), the wedding is called off.
Reception entertainment: A good, old-fashioned British DIY disco, the kind we’ve all suffered through at some point in our lives. (Altogether now: “Agadoo do do...”)
Any fights? Robot Santas invade the building and exploding Christmas tree ornaments almost kill the wedding guests. It’s certainly a cut above your Uncle Roger giving your second cousin Nigel a cuff around the ear for swearing during the Best Man speech.
Unusual guests: Not so much “guests” as ‘“aliens about to destroy the Earth”, as the spidery Racnoss prepare to get their revenge on the Doctor.
Any shenanigans with the ring? The Doctor gives Donna a ring to shield her from the robot Santas, and that’s the nearest she gets. The way he slips it on her finger is rather sweet, though.
The dress: A hard-wearing ivory satin frock with a mid-length veil.
Best day of their lives? Lance ends up being drained by the Racnoss, so that’s the last time he’ll soak a colleague in Huon particles! Ha! And Donna ends the day devastated but philosophical.

.

.

Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones

Bride: Padme Amidala
Groom: Anakin Skywalker
Location: The Imperial Palace, Naboo (or the Villa del Balbianello on Lake Como in Italy, if you fancy getting hitched there yourself one day ).
The happy occasion: It’s a top-secret wedding that the young lovers wish to keep hidden from the entire world. So naturally they have it on a balcony overlooking miles of scenery that any Naboo citizen could be wandering through. Stealth? They suck at it.
The ick factor: Anakin takes Padme’s hand in his. Except his hand is a mechanical robot one that looks like a skeleton – ewwwww!
Reception entertainment: No idea, but our money’s on some shaak-riding in a meadow (which does sound awfully like an innuendo)
Witnesses: C-3PO and R2D2 look on, which is a nice touch – as every marriage needs witnesses to be legal, androids must have the same rights as living creatures in the Star Wars universe. Either that, or Padme and Anakin did it wrong and were never legally married at all. Oops.
The dress: Never one to wear something understated when she can hideously overdo it , Padme actually dresses down for her wedding, donning a crocheted veil that looks pleasingly 1920s.
The suit: Anakin just wears his usual Jedi robe. It probably smelt of shaak.
The first kiss: They snog like they’re scared they’re going to get spit on each other. Which is the point, you fools.
Best day of their lives? These guys never had a good day, so perhaps it was alright.

.

.

Chuck “Chuck Versus The Ring”

Bride: Ellie Bartowski
Groom: Devon Woodcomb (aka Captain Awesome)
Locations: One church; one beach
Events of the day: Chuck’s spy duties cock up Wedding Number One, as the wedding is reduced to chaos when FULCRUM attack. Wedding Number Two, however, is a far more romantic affair, with drapes chosen by Casey. No, really...
Entertainment: Jeffster perform a riveting (cough) version of Mr Roboto while the guests await the nuptials.
Any fights: Oh yes, including the sight of Sarah using knives from one of the wedding gifts as weapons... resourceful.
Unexpected visitors: Wedding Number One: FULCRUM. Wedding Number Two: the CIA, who arrange the entire affair as a favour to Chuck, and spy Bryce Larkin, who watches through binoculars.
Any subtexts: Chuck and Sarah exchange meaningful looks as Chuck’s sis ties the knot. Will they be next? Oooh, the suspense!
The dress(es): First off, a strapless hourglass-shaped beaded frock with a veil. Secondly, a simple, sleek silk number.
The bridesmaids’ dresses: Pink and then purple.
Best day of their lives? Prior to Wedding Number One – a huge affair – Ellie tells Chuck she really wanted a small beach wedding. After her church nuptials are ruined, he provides just the sandy ceremony she desired. So yes, best day ever.

.

.

Doctor Who “The Big Bang”

Bride: Amy Pond
Groom: Rory Williams
The happy occasion: After buggering off with the Doctor the night before her wedding day at the start of the series, Amy finally gets betrothed to the man of her dreams in the series finale – and seeing as she forgot he even existed for a while, we’d say that’s quite remarkable.
Reception entertainment: Another disco, slightly classier than Donna Noble’s was. Sadly the episode’s title wasn’t an indication that the whole thing would descend into some bacchanalian orgy…
Any fights: None, but the Doctor dances as though he’s fighting a horde of Vespiform wasps and gets a whole bunch of jigging kids to do the same.
Unexpected visitors: The Doctor, “remembered” back into the present by the bride and the famous, “Something borrowed, something blue” rhyme. Very clever!
The dress: Amy dons a long skirt for once, and it’s very pretty indeed.
The suit: He’s not the groom but The Doctor wears a tux – at last, a legitimate excuse to don a bow tie!
Best day of their lives? Hell, yeah!

.

.

The Fantastic Four Annual #3

Bride: Sue Storm
Groom: Reed Richards
Location: The Baxter Building
Evil mastermind behind the scenes: Doctor Doom decides to ruin the Fantastic duo’s nuptials by firing off a high frequency emotion charger which makes all the villains who hate the Fantastic Four stop in their tracks and gatecrash the event. Chaos ensues!
Unfortunate alliteration: Just check out the cover of the issue... “The world’s most colossal collection of costumed characters, crazily cavorting and capering in continual combat!”
Any fights: So many we don’t have room to list them here. As far as weddings go, this one wins the award for “most violent”.
Unexpected visitors: Every evil menace in existence! From the Mole Man drilling up through the floor of the lobby to the Puppet Master trying to poison The Thing to the Super-Skrull battling the Mighty Thor, this is a bad-guy free-for-all of giant proportions!
Extra-special unexpected visitors: Stan Lee and Jack Kirby turn up for the wedding but fail to get in the door. For shame.
The dress: A traditional white affair, although Sue does seem to have a haemorroid cushion on her head...
The suit: Reed wears his FF costume (good grief, is he really committed to this marriage?). Even The Thing manages to squeeze into a tux.
Best day of their lives? Certainly one of the busiest...

.

.

Star Trek: DS9 “You Are Cordially Invited”

Bride: Jadzia Dax
Groom: Worf
Location: Quark’s bar
The happy occasion: They originally intended to be wed on the Klingon homeworld, so this is a last-minute affair as Dax decides to bring the wedding forward so that Worf’s son can attend it. But it almost doesn’t happen as the happy couple have a row about Klingon customs (which, to be fair, do suck). In the end, though, all’s well that ends well.
Stag night hijinks: Or four nights, actually, as Worf, Bashir, O’Brien and Martok take part in Kal’Hyah on the holodeck. No strippers for this stag do – instead it’s a gruelling spiritual and physical journey which causes the humans no end of grief... and pain.
Hen night hijinks: Dax is given difficult tasks by Martok’s wife, Sirella, such as hefting braziers about. She does find time for a party the night before, however, even if she doesn’t wear fairy wings or an L-plate for it. Odo and Kira have sex in a cupboard, the mark of a good hen party, surely?
Any fights: Mainly vocal ones, although at the very end of the wedding ceremony O’Brien and Bashir get to attack the new husband and wife with sticks called Ma’Stakas.
The ceremony: Very, very formal, with drums and Klingon vocalising.
The dress: A brazen red with a medieval-style crown. And very fetching it is too.
The suit: A brazen red with a medieval-style crown. And very fetching it is too.
Best day of their lives? Well, it certainly beats the last day of their marriage...

.

.

Flash Gordon

Bride: Dale Arden
Groom: Ming The Merciless
Location: Mingo City
The unhappy occasion: You know a wedding might be in trouble when the groom is asked whether he wants to take this “Earthling” as his wife... and the bride-to-be says “No!” and struggles with the Best Men.
The vows: Ming promises to “use” his bride (ew) and doesn’t seem certain that he won’t blast her into space. Ah, true love.
Any fights: One almighty rumble, yes. Ming’s empire is overthrown and the groom ends up skewered by a giant rocket before anybody can so much as throw a grain of rice. There’s some wicked phallic symbolism there...
Unexpected visitors: Flash (ah-aaaah!) and the Hawkmen storm the city to free Dale from her wicked ball-and-chain.
The dress: Half Art-Deco nightmare; half Joan Collins on Dynasty.
The suit: Perfectly understated with no flourishes or fussiness at all. Ahem.
Best day of their lives? Hell, no. It’s the last day of Ming’s, after all. Or is it...?

.

.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer “Hell’s Bells”

Bride: Anya Jenkins
Groom: Xander Harris
The unhappy occasion: Xander gets whisked away before he can walk down the aisle and is shown the possible future awaiting him and his new bride (which isn’t pleasant, to say the least). With this in mind, he calls off the wedding, leaving Anya devastated. It’s hugely emotional... but totally undercut by all the silly hijinks happening elsewhere.
Entertainment: Buffy tries to keep the crowd entertained when Xander disappears, juggling and performing charades. It doesn’t work on the wedding guests and it certainly doesn’t work on the viewers...
Unusual guests: Anya’s friends – a collection of demons and monsters who really shouldn’t be out in daylight – are explained away as being “circus folk” from Anya’s side of the family. Yeah, because that makes perfect sense.
Any fights? Xander’s drunken dad flings a few insults about and fisticuffs ensue. Before long it’s total human vs monster carnage!
The dress: A beautiful beige chiffony thing (sorry, we don’t know the technical fashion lingo, but it looks nice).
The bridesmaids’ dresses: Vile, ugly, reprehensible. Just like the script.
Best day of their lives? Probably the worst.

.

.

Lois & Clark “Swear To God, This Time We’re Not Kidding”

[Warning: Clip Contains Westlife]

Bride: Lois Lane
Groom: Clark Kent
Location: A TV studio set with a fake sunset (we think it’s supposed to be a pretty mountain somewhere)
The long road down the aisle: Weddings were a useful gimmick on Lois & Clark . The season one finale saw Lois preparing to wed Lex Luthor, much to Clark’s dismay, until their wedding ended in Luthor being outed as a criminal mastermind. The season two finale saw Clark proposing, but Lois didn’t say yes until seven episodes into the next year (nothing like keeping them hangin’ on, eh?). Their wedding ended in chaos, however, after Clark discovered he’d actually married a Lois clone. Finally, in season four (delayed due to the show trying to keep the wedding current with Superman’s wedding in the comics), we got to see the two hitched in a ceremony so sickeningly romantic it’s actually hard to watch.
The vows: They love each other very much. They tell each other this in long rambling speeches while soppy music plays. Bleargh.
Any fights: The wedding itself, despite some hiccups caused by Myrtle Beech (aka the Wedding Destroyer), is peaceful.
Unexpected visitors: An angel named Mike.
The dress: Virginal white and slightly foofy.
The suit: Clark could’ve dressed as Supes but no, it was a tux after all.
Best day of their lives? They survived all the saccharine soppiness, so... yes.