When it comes time to put a green-tinted bludgeoning on some generic gang bangers or foot-clan ninjas - even a rare boss - you're handed a pool of moves so shallow that a real turtle could stand flat-footed on the bottom and barely get his chin wet. You've got some basic kicks and swipes, a ground-pounding shock wave to clear out crowds, and a tiny selection of special or team up attacks - mostly grabbing another turtle by the feet and swinging him in a circle. But even this move just reminds you of first, figure skating and second, of how much wasted potential there is here. You usually stomp the enemies anyway, because they're all brain-dead, but... argh.

The various versions all have their weaknesses. The 360 and Wii versions are ten bucks more, apparently because 360 is the prettiest and Wii comes with nine single-player mini-games and a "wiggle to slash, jiggle to kick" control scheme that we ran from almost immediately. The PC one looks okay too, but clearly wasn't developed with higher-than-TV resolutions in mind. PS2 is cheaper, but fugly. And the GameCube one exists, which is a marvel in and of itself these days.

This could have been the greatest four-player brawler in history. Seriously, it could have - with deep, coordinated multi-player combat and vast, multi-tiered levels full of environmental puzzles and surprises. But, like the film itself, the game aims low and ends up typical and forgettable. It's even short, at maybe six hours if you stretch it. If this was a real turtle, it would be the one sitting on the side of the road watching cars whiz by, not the one lacing 'em up to take on the rabbit and the road and dare its way to immortality in the history books.