23 Oct, 07

Super Smash Bros. Melee sold millions on GameCube, the most popular title to ever hit the console. Smash Bros Wii, even by the most conservative of estimates, is expected to sell no less than nine billion copies in its launch week. Are Microsoft and Sony missing a trick by not developing their own loved-up first-party fan-service mash-up scrapper?

Maybe. We’ve run our own simulations, the fruits of which you’ll find below. And we’ve taken a few liberties with characters, adding some in that have strong associations with Xbox/PlayStation, but aren’t first-party. Hey, if Nintendo can throw Sonic and Snake into the mix...

Possible title: ULTRA BRUTAL DEATHBOWL JAMBOREE

1. Master Chief
From: The Halo series
Stage:  Pillar of Autumn
Special attacks: Dual-wielding, rechargeable energy bar, sticky grenades, vehicle silliness
SUPER special power: Teabagging fallen opponents

2. Sam Fisher
From: The Splinter Cell series
Stage: GFO oil rig
Special attacks: Night vision, being allowed to kill, doing the splits, knowing all about your naughty past
SUPER special power: Calling on the US government for ‘favours’

3. Big Daddy
From: Bioshock
Stage: Neptune’s Bounty
Special attacks: Groaning loudly, grenade launching, barging opponents out of the screen
SUPER special power: A massive drill-arm through the face

4. Blinx
From: Blinx: The Time Sweeper
Stage: Time Square
Special attacks: Time-freeze, being in two places at once, rewinding time upon defeat
SUPER special power: Threatening to appear in a third Blinx game

5. Marcus Fenix
From: Gears of War
Stage: Jacinto Plateau
Special attacks: Hammer of Dawn, growling all macho like, shooting wildly, chainsawing opponents to bits
SUPER special power: A dazzling distraction bomb of hi-res textures

6. Ryo Hazuki
From: Shenmue II
Stage: Tomato Convenience Store
Special attacks: Mad fisticuffs, forklift hit ‘n’ run, starring in online petitions
SUPER special power: Asking everyone where Lan Di is, until he wins

7. Frank West
From: Dead Rising
Stage: McHandy’s Hardware Store
Special attacks: Parasol dash, dressing up in ladies' clothes, pervy camera snaps, wielding a sword like a drunken barbarian
SUPER special power: Taking a lawnmower to everyone’s shins

8. Emperor Uriel Septim
From: The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Stage: Kvatch
Special attacks: Tax exemption, being invincible, getting guards to do his dirty work
SUPER special power: Calls upon the inarguable command of Patrick Stewart’s voice

In reserve:
Tony Hawk, Gordon Freeman (Half-Life 2), Horstachio (Viva Pinata), Tiger Woods, Cortana (Halo series), Voodoo Vince, Conker (Conker: Live & Reloaded), McLaren F1 (Project Gotham Racing 3. Hey, don’t laugh! Fighters Megamix on the Sega Saturn featured the Daytona Car as a character)