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The Worst Celebrity Renders of All Time

Watch as videogames transform your favorite stars into unrecognizable monsters

Words: Charlie Barratt, GamesRadar US

Celebrities get caught in a lot of ugly situations. Half naked on the beach. Wasted at an all-night rave. Dazed and confused during a police mug shot. Puffy and discolored after a botched plastic surgery.

Nothing, however, compares to the horror and humiliation of appearing in a videogame. Beauty is destroyed in a vomit of sprites and mutated textures. Talent is lost in the wasteland of two dimensions or the soulless, robotic modeling of three. Everything fans love and recognize is warped, stretched, melted, bloated... and then paraded on the screen for dozens of hours at a time.

Luckily, what's rarely flattering for the stars is always hilarious for us. We've gathered the absolute worst examples of celebrity likenesses in gaming and - if you pay close enough attention while reading - you could win a fabulous prize at the end. Contest rules on the last page.



On the left? Iron Man the movie, in which Robert Downey Jr. makes years of drug abuse, prison time and revolving-door rehab look positively healthy. Apparently, heroin and cocaine = eternal youth and matinee muscles.
Kids, take note!

On the right? Iron Man the game, in which Robert Downey Jr.'s swollen and narcotics-laced corpse has been stuffed into an old suit, propped upright and toured around the world as a terrifying cautionary tale.
Kids, don't do drugs!


 
A lot of Fantastic Four fanboys complained when the dark-eyed, dark-haired Jessica Alba was cast as blonde-haired, blue-eyed superhero Sue Storm. She had to wear wigs, contact lenses and a lot of makeup to fit the part. When compared to the doughy-faced monkey boy they got to play Sue Storm in the Fantastic Four game, however, Jessica Alba seems like a natural choice.

Oh wait... that's supposed to be Jessica Alba too? Sweet mercy.



This comparison astounds and amazes us to no end, as the artists did everything right and still managed to get everything wrong. The hair is the same. The nose is the same. The forehead is the same. Even the smile is the same, if a little horse-toothed on the pixelated side.

Why, then, does the first Val Kilmer (from Willow the movie) come across as a dashing young hero, while the second Val Kilmer (from Willow the arcade game) comes across as more of a cross-dressing truck stop serial killer with a possible case of constipation? Why?



Jeez. We knew Bruce Willis was old and bald, but we had no idea he was also an extreme burn victim whose liquefied face threatened to drip off his skull at any moment. Can someone please get the poor guy a bucket before he accidentally forms an expression?

To be fair, this screen grab was taken from a PS1 game. On the other hand, the PS1 game in question - Apocalypse - built most of its marketing campaign around the claim that Bruce Willis had been flawlessly recreated as its digital protagonist. We pray, for the actor's sake, they failed.

 

 
6 Comments
MultiGamer - 1 month 28 days ago
First! That Bill Murray one was hilarious, also the jackie chan one.
TheGreatHobbe - 1 month 28 days ago
everyone from spiderman 3 scares me
midknight8 - 1 month 26 days ago
Bill murray killed my parents in a clown suit too...
Flopsy - 1 month 26 days ago
It's "fiesta" and not "siesta" under the Goldeneye entry. Fiesta is a party and siesta is a nap.
Rasy2kG - 1 month 25 days ago
I think Val Kilmer's render in will Willow is pretty bad ass
statuslegendary - 6 days 13 hours ago
Spot on, I laughed so hard at the bit about Sly. Whoever crafted that gem of a likeness over at Nintendo is a genius!

Great article as usual.
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