Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball

We’re pretty sure that at one time, the Dead or Alive series was about fighting. At least superficially, the goal was to KO an opponent with a variety of martial arts maneuvers. On a much deeper level, however, the games have always been about breasts, specifically their ability to bounce up and down.

At some point the fighting aspects of the games were phased out to better serve the true fans of the series, who, upon seeing DOA’s new direction, commented, “bouncy, bouncy!” and laughed in childish, crackling voices. Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball was born.

But how are you supposed to study breasts in any depth when they’re covered by bikinis? Don’t grab the torches just yet – Team Ninja thought of this and included a high-tech breast inspection tool in the game. The tool comes in the form of a special visor that filters out bikini related polygons leaving only flesh for the eyes to scour (and some magic stars that we aren’t sure we learned about in our anatomy classes).

Above: The visor actually does what we'd hoped those mail-order X-ray glasses would

Unfortunately, there's so much glare on the visors that it’s difficult to tell if you’re seeing skin or UFOs. We zoomed in, desaturated, and bumped the contrast on our screen so you can see that we aren’t making anything up.

The trick only requires that you have a swimsuit it works with, we used the Emu, but we’re pretty sure the Gimlet and Carnelian work as well, and a transparent visor. You’ll have to build up some money, but that shouldn’t be too hard if you know how to press the B button (hint: use your thumb). Once your girl is wearing the visor and suit, take her poolside and manipulate the camera until you’re viewing her body through the visor. If you didn’t already feel dirty, you should now.

You may think that this whole visor peepshow thing is a total waste of time, and that it's a lame, unrewarding, pointless exercise in tedium. Quit thinking so much. Just click over to the next page, where visor peepshows are thrown out for more a much more revealing look at DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball.