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The most clueless box blurbs in history

Marketing schmooze-hounds don't know jack about games - we can tell by what they write on the boxes

Words: Eric Bratcher, GamesRadar US

You wanna rephrase that?

"NO OTHER GAME ALLOWS YOU TO FLY DOWN BACK STREETS ON YOUR SIDE TAKING POT SHOTS AT ENEMY LAUNCHERS WITH SUCH REALISTIC DETAILS !!!" - Top Gun: Combat Zones, PS2
- No other game shouts broken sentences in all caps at us either, so it kind of evens out. By the way, what on Earth are you talking about? Back streets? Launchers? Help.

"Suck! Suck! Suck up devastating organic weapons and upgrades - Raze's Hell
- The irony here is obvious to anyone who played the game. Clearly, this blurb was part of the design doc as well, but there was some mishap and the developers only read the first three words. Which they then followed to the letter.

"New fighting technique 'Confine'" - Phantom Brave, PS2
- Confuddling as this already sounds, it's downright bewildering when you consider that this game is not a sequel. So this technique is not new to the series; it's new to the universe as a whole. 

"Find Hidden Treasure in the Caribbean" - EverBlue 2, PS2
- This one seems to make sense. But then you notice it's the caption below a close-up picture of a swimming sea turtle. Hopefully, it means that nature is what we should truly value and not that the sneaky turtle is hiding the treasure. 'Cause we saw Pulp Fiction and we really don't need a watch that badly.

Above: Hidden treasure? All we ever find is chicken-y meat. We must be looking in the wrong turtles

"Battle an Onslaught of Demonic Marionettes, Unearthly Phantoms, Grim Reapers, and Other Retched Souls" - Devil May Cry, PS2
- Actually, the word is "wretched", as in souls who are wretches. "Retched" means "vomited" - or at least, "dry heaved". Of course, we suppose it's possible that these are souls that have been barfed from somewhere. We'll admit that idea is scary to us. Speaking of which…

"Encounter countless challenges, mysticism and healing potions in this action-packed RPG adventure" - Breath of Fire: Dragon Quarter, PS2
- When we encounter a healing potion, what should we do? Reason with it? Maintain eye contact and slowly back away? Tell us, dammit! We want to live!

"BE SICK ALL OVER." - Freestyle Metal X, PS2
- You got it.

 
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