Why Uwe Boll is awesome

Germany’s (hell, the World’s) least favourite film helmer is the most hated man in games. You hate him. Most of Team Radar hate him. Your second cousin who once played House of the Dead II in college absolutely detests him. But with more Boll video game flicks in production - namely Zombie Massacre and Blood Rayne III - we thought it was time someone rode to the defence of the detested director. So get those mail bombs, strongest swears and pent up bile at the ready, as we defend the gaming equivalent of Pol Pot.

He makes schlocky B-movie films of schlocky B-movie games

C’mon, are you really that precious about Far Cry, The House of the Dead and Postal? Did you really expect De Niro to be playing Agent G or Michael Mann to flesh out a compelling back-story for Jack Carver? Admit it; these games had shit, tacky plots to begin with, so what’s the problem with their movie versions following shitty suit. Boll’s not trying to kid anyone. He’s not banging on the nomination drum come Oscar season. All he’s doing is making ridiculously stupid films that are a hoot and a half to watch when you’re boozed up.

He kills bratty kids in his movies

How many times have you watched a film and wanted that annoying ankle-biter of a sidekick to buy the farm in brutal style? Kevin McAllister, Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace, that little douche that opens his trap in the last five minutes of The Dark Knight; didn’t they all deserve death for crimes against cinema? But while Spielberg, Lucas and Nolan might all have secretly loved to off the shit sprogs, only Boll had the balls to follow through. Which he did in spectacular (and pants-pissingly epic) fashion in this Postal clip below.

He clearly doesn’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks

You might hate him, but Boll could clearly give Roland Rat’s annoying ass. Despite receiving nothing but near universal derision for his gaming films over the last decade, the dude keeps churning more out. He’s never stopped to sulk or ponder a profession in frankfurter production. Instead, he’s defiantly kept making some of the most panned productions in the history of the moving image. You simply can’t keep an atrocious, hated artisan down.

Above: This is what Uwe thinks of Postal's 22 score on Metacritic

He’s willing to fight his critics

Chances are, you’ll probably hate us for writing this and may yet be willing to sacrifice small fuzzy animals to see us onset by some terrible Pagan plague. Granted, we might get a bit protective of our words and defend our views in the comments, but we’re not going to call you out for a knock-down-drag-out. But Boll is different. As happy at green-lighting laughable scripts as he is unleashing uppercuts; he'll gladly box anyone who says his movies are the shitZOR. And for that, he’ll always be our ‘balls made out of German granite’ better.

He gets respected actors to do brilliantly cringe-worthy crap

No matter whether you’ve been given the golden nod from the Academy or starred in the greatest gangster film ever, Uwe can always suck you in to star in his trash. You might be shit hot on awards night, but when those offers to play world-weary hitmen and world-weary postal workers turned hitmen run out, it’s Boll who’ll bail you out. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, even Sir Ben Kingsley; the respected theps have all bowed at the alter of an Uwe paycheck.

Above: Awesome. Awesomer. Awesomest 

Apr 7, 2010


  • OmNomRomRearghNergh - April 7, 2010 8:41 a.m.

    Burt Reynolds in In the Name of the King was amazing. All Uwe Boll's movies seem to be comedies anyway..
  • flyworld3 - April 7, 2010 8:54 a.m.

    Fuck you, now I want to go see the Postal movie.
  • FreekinIdiot - April 7, 2010 9:21 a.m.

    Ben Kingsley as a retarded vampire?? Amazing
  • 1zz - April 7, 2010 9:52 a.m.

    I remember him doing that boxing match with his critics. Bit lame of him considering he was a semi pro boxer. Mind, was good watching him give Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka a few cracks... :)
  • gilgamesh310 - April 7, 2010 10:54 a.m.

    I haven't seen portal but this makes me want to. Children dying is definately not something you often see. But the most hated character in all of Uwe Bolls films was that fat guy in far cry, and he actually lived. I could never forgive Uwe Boll for that.
  • OnyxOblivion - April 7, 2010 11:12 a.m.

    HA! HA! Boll kills children, without a ten minute dramatic death scene, either. Whenever a movie actually DOES kill a child off, its always meldramatic. Give this man a prize. For having big ass balls. I like 'em even more after seeing this, too.
  • idlemindkiller - April 7, 2010 11:36 a.m.

    Hmm... Nope he still sucks. Im gonna think about his face when i take my giant morning poo in about three mins. And hes still a pussy. a big wet smelly german pussy. eat some nuts Boll.
  • bamb0o-stick - April 7, 2010 11:45 a.m.

    @gilgamesh 310: Its Postal, not Portal lol. God help me if he makes a Portal game. I'd never thought someone would put "shooting kids" as a good quality in a movie director. Shooting kids in general isn't really something justifiable or that humorous. To be fair good child actors must be hard to find because obviously they don't have the same motivation and mentality as older mature actors. I think most movies don't have children die on-screen because it would cause too much controversy. It's not cool to tell a minor in that particular scene that they're brutally shot to death. Uwe Boll might have some admirable qualities to him, but he's definitely not helping movie-adapted video games very much, other than making them look like a joke.
  • Imgema - April 7, 2010 12:43 p.m.

    This man is the worst director ever for making this dreadful house of the dead movie, its the worst movie i have ever seen, in fact i tried to see it by curiosity alone, knowing its very bad and even then i couldn't stand it. But this Postal scene with the children being shot is the best scene i've seen in years, lol. I only remember one movie where a kid got killed without melodramatic scenes following and that was "the Blob". I hate kids in hollywood movies, they are always so mature, smart, brave and invincible....
  • StoveToTheFace - April 7, 2010 1:05 p.m.

    screw that dick
  • Ded - April 7, 2010 1:12 p.m.

    Gamesradar is the only place I even hear about this guy.. perhaps I should get out more :D
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - April 7, 2010 1:16 p.m.

    Uwe Boll should curl up and die Or make a decent movie.
  • reaperman22 - April 7, 2010 1:17 p.m.

    man i haven't seen postal yet on the mere premise that its Uwe Boll and i didn't want to waist my cash but now i kinda wish i did. I remember watching in the name of the king not knowing he made it and found it one of the longest most boring pieces of crap i had seen and then read the cover and had to laugh at myself for expecting it to be decent
  • Geminiman82 - April 7, 2010 1:59 p.m.

    I would rather watch Street Fighter and Super Mario Brothers for the rest of my life if Boll promises NEVER to make another movie.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - April 7, 2010 2:01 p.m.

    who the fuck is uwe boll
  • RebornKusabi - April 7, 2010 2:45 p.m.

    The thing I remember about all of that "boxing his critics" crap is that I remember reading that he was challenged to a boxing match from Sean Baby of EGM (who has some sort of training), Justin Leeper from Game Informer (who moonlit at the time as a professional boxer) and Roger Avery (Google him). He declined their "invitations"... take that as you will >_> He also has infamously talked **** about Eli Roth and Micheal Bay and they both just find him humorous and don't really care what he says.
  • TheTygerfire - April 7, 2010 3:42 p.m.

    I don't care what you guys think, Postal is completely unfunny and the kid killing scene was ESPECIALLY so.
  • Chapmoin - April 7, 2010 4:15 p.m.

    Reason #1 has long been my favorite reason to champion Mr. Boll's work.
  • ventanger - April 7, 2010 5:14 p.m.

    What is this, Week Of Undeserved Love?
  • Hexar - April 7, 2010 7:09 p.m.

    Looks as though advertising revenues are down this week for GamesRadar to the point where they'll take handouts from just about anyone. But oh where to begin with an article that rivals the shittiness that is Uwe Boll. "Admit it; these games had shit, tacky plots to begin with, so what’s the problem with their movie versions following shitty suit. Boll’s not trying to kid anyone." The key difference is that while the plot may have been nothing special in House of the Dead, Farcry or Postal, but they had one HUGE factor that film cannot replicate: gameplay! Lest you forget games are about control and are not solely driven by a plot and narrative as a film is. So while the story was entirely forgettable the game was not. Yeah Boll beat up Lowtax and those other guys who have dick experience in boxing, what an accomplishment. Remember when Seanbaby challenged him? Oh yeah that's right he backed down when he found out Seanbaby's weight and height (as well as his experience). Yeah he's willing to fight his critics all right, when it's a lopsided fight. Boll keeps making films because of German financing laws. His tax shelter keeps him financially able to keep churning out absolute shit. Take a guess how far he'd get without huge tax write offs. The bottom line is that some movies probably shouldn't be thrown up on the silver screen (and I mean that in the most literal sense of the word) let alone by someone who will do a piss poor job of it. Don't get me wrong to me a B movie film is a high quality flick; I go out of my way to watch Troma films for crying out loud! Yet I cannot stomach any of his films. At least we agree on one thing and that is that his film's ARE "ridiculously stupid films that are a hoot and a half to watch when you’re boozed up."

Showing 1-20 of 32 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000