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[Ed. Note - The opinions expressed in this article do not necessarily represent those of GamesRadar, nor do they necessarily represent those of Paul Ryan. He did not speak to any actual women while researching this article.]
Take it from me, being a girl gamer ain't easy. As women, we're still the minority with a hobby enjoyed mostly by dudes. And even among fellow gamers, femininity sets you apart, even more than just being the only one with boobs and pretty hair. Unfortunately, guys who don’t read our site see girl gamers as an excuse to try their favorite Final Fantasy pick-up lines, rather than seeing them as legitimate fellow games enthusiasts. Frankly, I’m sick of this out-of-touch attitude about women who enjoy gaming and decided to pick the worst things about being a girl gamer for them.
Why women hate this: Prepare to have your minds exploded: There’s a double standard for female game characters, and while it isn’t fair, it’s easy to see where it comes from. Men like boobs.
Above: With her ankles hanging out for the whole world to see
It’s easy to see that girls in games are proportioned for the discerning gentleman who also enjoys Big Gulps, Double Stuf Oreos and pants with extra zippers. While a certain amount of indulgence is good, a man who only drinks Big Gulps may forget all about beverages of reasonable proportions. Some would say that’s unhealthy, and women would say that it’s unfair competition. Women don’t like videogame girls because they’re too hot.
Above: GamesRadar’s Shane Patterson giving an example of what a typical real girl might look like. Not so great, is it?
What a typical woman would say: Game characters' impossibly disproportionate bodies put unfair pressure on young girls' impressionable woman minds. Actually trying to achieve the female body image we see in games is unhealthy, both physically and mentally. Sadly, as you can see below, this sort of thing happens all the time.
Why women hate this: Another thing is the female body. I’ve been told it’s a mystical, magical temple containing secrets and mysteries that no man truly understands, but the jury is still out on that - I did beat Cooking Mama. Nonetheless, women deserve a controller designed specifically for them and their special temple bodies.
Above: Yeah, but they also need non-portable console controllers
If you’re a typical guy, there’s a good chance you’re so insensitive that you didn’t know this problem existed until now. Unfortunately, that’s because you live in a world where all controllers fit perfectly into your rough-hewn man-hands and the bumper buttons are easily accessible without standing up or reaching behind your back.
Above: Sadly, two-out-of-three women can’t reach the Y-button
What a typical woman would say: You ever tried to play Wii with boobs on? I didn’t think so. I hate men.
Why women hate this: If it weren’t for boys, women would be the least isolated group of gamers. But until we do something about this problem, they can’t just join a game of Left 4 Dead, pick Zoey and play a match, like the rest of us do. Here’s a typical example of what can go wrong:
Lady gamer: "I just saw a Hunter on the roof up ahead!"
Guy: "Holy zombie Snorlax, are you a girl?"
Lady gamer: "Hunter! Help. He's got me and I’m not physically strong enough to push him off."
Guy: "So… you have boobs?"
Above: …not my real boobs
What a typical woman would say: Guys, even if I only responded to those of you who legitimately turn me on with potent displays of gaming skill, I’d never have time to date every one of you.